Originally Published in Print, April 2022.
Just imagine it; you’re several drinks in with the girls from college on your semester abroad and the topic shifts to missing your boyfriends. The wonders of modern technology make communicating with our long distance significant others a cinch – texting, video calls, that feature on Spotify that lets you both listen to the same song at the same time. All in all, romance lives to see another day. The only true victim of distance is our sex lives. One friend bemoans making do with ‘solo play’, when another notices a lot of sex toys come in the colour purple. “Oh yeah,” you say out loud, “all of mine are purple.”
The awkward silence is mercifully short before the table erupts in laughter and the embarrassment fades a little. Although, admittedly, I sometimes still cringe at this moment looking back. What I really should have said is “all three of mine are purple”. There’s something about the “all” just hanging out there by itself that makes you imagine a much, much bigger number. But yes, I do own sex toys, and yes, they are all purple. For years, I was mortified and intimidated by the idea of sex toys. I avoided their presence both in real life and online, so much so that for years I didn’t know the difference between a dildo and a vibrator. So how did I become the owner of not one, not two, but three sex toys? Well, two things happened within a few months of each other: lockdown and my first kiss.
Lockdown meant riding the waves of boredom and anxiety as they came and went. Cut off from other people, I felt less intimidated by sex and masturbation. Maybe I was just getting older and wiser, or maybe spending so much time alone made me come to terms with who I am. Who I am being an adult with a sex drive. As for the kiss, well … let’s just say it sparked some new feelings within. Emboldened by a pretty f*cking great kiss, I waited until the cloak of darkness to open up an incognito browser window. What followed was a crash course in ‘intimate items’. In my naïvety, I had no idea how many different kinds of toys there are. It seemed like there was an item for her, him, them, everyone. So how did I choose what to buy and from where? Honestly my wallet had a big influence over this decision. Some of these products can be pretty expensive, so I found myself a well-reviewed cheap and cheerful lil’ vibrator and hoped for the best. Assured by the website that their packaging was discreet, I took the plunge and bought my first ever, purple sex toy.
True to Lovehoney’s word, my secret purchase arrived in a plain brown box, sans incriminating logos. Unfortunately that’s where my sex toy stayed for several days, waiting as its owner worked up the nerve to plug it in and actually use it. As soon as I did though, I was not disappointed…
… As with any kind of masturbation, it takes a bit of practice to find your rhythm when using a sex toy. Unlike mastering ‘Ó Ró Sé Do Bheatha Bhaile’ on the tin whistle though, this kind of practice is very, very fun. You can play around with pressure, speed, lube and tempo to discover the very best way to give yourself an orgasm . For me, at least, my initiation into the world of sex toys came before my initiation to sex with someone else. This gave me the chance to discover exactly what I like and what I don’t in the safety and comfort of my own company. Masturbation unlocked a new method of exploration, and I was just getting started. The reason sex toys come in many different shapes and sizes is because they all create different sensations for different parts of your body. For example, some toys are for external stimulation (like a fleshlight or a bullet) and some are for internal stimulation (like a dildo or a butt plug). Each toy serves its own unique purpose, and this is why I started adding to my collection, and why I’ll most likely be adding a few more in the future.
The question I’m sure you’re now asking is, will all of my new sex toys be purple? The truth is, I have absolutely no idea, and I’m not sure it matters! At the end of the day, if a toy gets me off, I’m happy – regardless of the colour. So, go forth and try a sex toy! You may love it, you may feel completely indifferent towards it, the only way to know is to give it a go.
