Originally published in print November 2020.

CONTENT WARNING: This article touches on topics of abuse, gaslighting, sex, sexuality, gender and assault 

We sat down with Natalya Price, a Dublin-based sex and relationships therapist, to ask her every romance-related question you ever wished you knew the answer to…

 

Is it okay to find other people attractive when you are in a relationship?

Yes – you’re not dead! You should find other people attractive, as attraction is central to how we connect with people.

Just make sure not to act on your romantic attractions if you are in a monogamous relationship. 

 

How do you recover from your first/any fights/disagreements?

It is impossible not to have conflict in a relationship, and the repair period after an argument is very useful. After an argument, you need to really look at how the fight was for you. You should ask yourself if and how you can understand your partner’s opinion. You should question to what extent you can have empathy and compassion towards your partner and their position.

 

If you have sex after you fight, it might be helpful to talk about it. If this becomes a pattern, maybe see it as a red flag.

 

Do you think that it is vital for a couple to be sexually compatible?

What is sexually compatible? When you start being intimate with somebody, you are starting to really co-create your sex life. Being in a sexual relationship with someone is 

a case of figuring things out together.

 

How important is communication around sex?

Everything! You should talk about sex before sex, during sex, after sex, and between sexual encounters!

 

How do you increase intimacy in your relationship?

You increase intimacy in your relationship by allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your partner, and inviting them to be vulnerable in return.

 

How do you know when you love someone?

Love is a verb. You need to think how you, specifically, love. Love isn’t a one-fits-all formula.

 

How do you know that someone is right for you long term?

It depends who you are and what long-term means for you. Does ‘long-term’ mean that you’re looking for stability, or is it something else? For example, ‘long-term’ might mean, in certain circumstances, that you want somebody to explore the world with. You really need to ask yourself what you need and how that person matches your needs.

 

How do you know if you are ready to live with someone?

Ask your roommates how you are to live with. You need to come to an understanding of what you need from someone you live with. Make sure to ask yourself what your boundaries are, and whether you are ready to have that person in your space.

 

How do you know if you should stay with someone after college?

It completely depends on what you want and what the relationship offers you. Ask yourself if you and your partner were just having fun together, or if there is something more serious between you. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. Communication is key.

 

How might your relationship change if you/your partner finishes college, or enters the work-place?

Your relationship probably will change, as these are life-changing events. These events affect your location and your availability. 

It is okay to feel afraid whilst also feeling happy for your partner, but I would encourage you to look at this developmental step as an opportunity.

In the long-run, you need to think about how you will negotiate the results of these changes, and think about how you/your partner will integrate into the other’s new life.

 

What advice would you give to someone who suddenly finds themself in a long-distance relationship?

A lot of the success of a long-distance relationship is down to communicating beforehand. Obviously, if you suddenly find yourself in a long-distance relationship, you will have to try and communicate efficiently and effectively. It is important to get on the same page in terms of expectations. 

 

What tips do you have for building/maintaining a successful/happy long-distance relationship?

 

Ask yourself how you can stay connected to your partner.  Think about who is more comfortable using video-call, who prefers to simply telephone, etc. Ask what activities you can do together remotely. Think about who will take charge of organising specific activities. It is important to create experiences that you can share – even if it’s just a quick cup of tea. Sometimes it might be nice to organise a call whilst your friends are with you, so that it feels like your partner is still present in your day-to-day life. Sometimes, it might even be as simple as putting the laptop in your room and doing your own thing.

 

When you reunite, make sure to be gentle with each other. Just because you have been physically reunited for a period of time, it doesn’t mean that you both have to be the best time ever. Try not to set unrealistic expectations. 

 

Make sure to reassess your situation a lot. Tell your partner if there is something that you are unhappy with.

 

How do you know if you are truly happy in a relationship?

It is very hard to say. If you feel unhappy, there are so many variables around you that, for example, you might feel that your partner isn’t there enough, when your feelings are less to do with your partner’s behaviours and more to do with your own personal stressors.

Generally speaking, I would say to make sure that you’re feeling respected, challenged, able to be vulnerable, etc. in your relationship.

 

How do you know if someone is the one?

You don’t, and I don’t think that there is one.

 

We have far more choices now as to who we pursue. Our choices aren’t just limited to those in our sights.

 

Lots of therapists today are coming to the view that there are a lot of unrealistic views about love, relationships, and what partners should be for each other. These unrealistic expectations start from vows. If you elevate someone to the position of ‘the one,’ then the one can’t be human. You enforce the idea that the one can’t make mistakes or hurt you, etc.

You will both make mistakes and you’re going to work on them together.

 

You need to bring yourself into the mindset of, ‘This is who I’m with now, and this is who I choose for however long.’

 

Is it normal to question your sexuality?

Yes – of course!

 

What advice would you give to anyone who is questioning/struggling with their sexuality/gender identity?

We are lucky that, today, there is much more cultural encouragement to question our sexuality and gender. Both are aspects of your identity which are pretty big things to question. Instead of finding this overly daunting, give yourself permission to not know exactly who you are at all times, to wonder, and to stay in the questioning mode. 

 

I would advise you to find a neutral support, like a counsellor. You could also find a like-minded group. In fact, I would advise you to find several sources of support. I would also advise you to direct your questions to several different, trustworthy sources.

I would stress that counselling may be a really good resource to use. 

 

What advice would you give to someone who has recently come out as LGBTQ+?

Good counselling is a good idea, as well as seeking support from the community.

 

Do you have any top tips for anyone wanting to learn more about/develop their sexuality?

Sex education is a good idea, and there are loads of good resources out there now. You just need to be brave and start reading! Make sure that you’re finding reputable sources. Personal stories can be fabulous tools for helping you to feel better understood, but it is important to try and find sources devoid of emotional attachment as well, in order to try and gain a balanced perspective. 

 

What advice would you give to someone who has started to date someone from a different culture?

Be prepared to be open and curious. See any cultural differences – however big they are – as an opportunity for your own development or enhancement, rather than as a source of conflict. Don’t be threatened by things which you haven’t experienced before or don’t understand. Instead, ask yourself: ‘How can I see this from the other person’s point of view?’

 

Do you have any advice for someone with a mental/physical disability who is looking to better understand/develop their sexuality?

Maybe come and see a therapist to get some specialised personal advice. 

 

What advice would you give to someone who is looking to date again after being in an abusive relationship?

Spend a good amount of time with yourself, hopefully with a trained professional. You need  to understand yourself and how you operate in a relationship. You must ask yourself: ‘Why didn’t I spot it sooner?’ The process involves a lot of self-reflection, but also a lot of healing.

 

What advice would you give to anyone who is looking to date again/is in a relationship who has recently been the victim of sexual assault?

I would advise you to remember that sexual assault is a trauma. This means that you need to do trauma work – hopefully with a trained, trauma therapist. Then, once you feel ready and you have dealt with the trauma, come back to see a sex therapist. It is key to remember that there are two parts to this process. Trauma therapists are fantastic at facilitating healing, but tend to leave out the sex bit.

 

How might you tell if you are the victim of gaslighting?

Ask yourself if you often second-guess yourself. If you feel that you do, then ask: ‘Where do I start questioning myself a lot?’, ‘Where are my words twisted?’, ‘Where do I not trust myself?’

 

What are your top dating red-flags?

1. If you feel that the person doesn’t have proper boundaries, and that they are not respectful of yours.
2. If your values massively differ from your partner’s.
3. If the person is not really interested in you. A key sign of this might be that they only talk about themselves.