Originally published in print, September 2021.

 

5: The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords and Four Sword Adventures (2002, 2004)

Coming in fifth on our list are our early-2000’s sweetheart’s. These two games, while named slightly different, are virtually the same game and are often ranked together and thus we will be ranking them together. The game’s plot is simple enough, where Link must rescue the princess and four maidens from the evil Vaati, Sorcerer of the Wind, who wants to marry Princess Zelda. While attempting to save them, Link pulls out the magical Four Swords and suddenly there are four Links! Now the plot itself within the game is not too sensual, but I find the horny factor arises from the system in which the game is meant to be played. Nintendo marketed the game with a system that can have four players playing as each different Link together. Close your eyes and imagine: it’s 2004 and you and your three closest friends, fueled on coke and Cheetos, are playing all day and night, side-by-side, getting sweatier and sweatier as each hour passes by. Maybe the AC is broken and one of you takes your shirt off or someone has carpal tunnel and you reenact that scene between Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost (1990) as you finally take down Vaati and retrieve your prize. You and three friends hug in joy and you look into each other’s eyes and there’s a moment of hushed reverence as the tension rises… 

 

4: The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (2006)

Anyone who knows this game or who knows me, may be surprised at this gem of a game’s ranking on the list since it is probably the post outwardly horny and is my favorite Zelda game. Often called the ‘emo’ installment, Twilight Princess definitely carries a lot of sexual tension, frustration, and confusion that comes with being a moody and dissatisfied teen. It’s full of dark colors, sequenced music with orchestral influences, and really unique character designs which adds a more emotional and sensual flair to it all. Twilight Princess sees our sweet country boy Link (who has a lot of teen heartthrob energy) fighting against the evil forces of the Twilight Realm led by Zant, who likes to wildly gesticulate anytime you fight him, after they invade and take over the castle and kidnap Princess Zelda. The most obvious difference that sets this game as obviously horny is Link has many clear romantic interests. While the games never really afford time to explore this personal side of our always sacrificing hero, the beginning of the game shows Link having a romantic interest in his hometown in Ilia. There’s also implied romantic interest with Zelda later, however the most interesting and creative comes from Midna, his travel companion, reluctantly stuck with him after meeting in a dungeon. Midna, a small impish figure, is a refugee from the Twilight realm who has her own motives to fight Zant that are slowly revealed throughout the story and while the two have a pretty rough start, they grow to have a really close bond, which is shown when Midna almost dies and Link rushes in to save her . However, while reluctant allies to lovers is a great trope with lots of tenison the real horn comes from the end reveal that Midna is 1) the Twilight Princess, 2) basically a god who wields a helmet of unlimited power, and 3) may I just say, super duper hot. Like unfathomably hot. It is held off to be a big plot twist at the very end of the game and it is so worth it. Like as a six-year-old, I’m pretty sure she was the first female character I had any attraction to and it was powerful. 

Oh, also Link turns into a wolf, so I guess we got the Tumblr Furry horniness accounted for at least.

 

3: The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (1998)

Of all the titles mentioned on the list, this is probably the most well-known, and for good reason. Ocarina of Time was legendary for 3D game play as well as having a fresh and intriguing game system in its time travel and ocarina elements. Also, it’s pretty horny. In this game, we see a young Link blow real hard on his magical Ocarina as he travels through Hyrule with his fairy Navi. But it all changes when Ganondorf attacks and Link must pull the mighty Master Sword from the Temple of Time, where he emerges years later as an adult. Through the game, you travel through time, manipulate the weather, and other cool stuff with your blowing power as you attempt to undo the end of the world and save Zelda. Having music and dance at the foreground, as well as our main character going through puberty an infinite number of times, creates a pretty horny atmosphere to play in. Further, more than me goofing, the game actually has been read by many as a metaphor for manhood, with many characters commenting on young Link’s lack of manhood and adult Link’s apparent strength, and the struggles that come with maturing, which to me is pretty horny. Manhood is clearly, to some extent, an obsession of the characters in the game and it asks the questions what does it mean to be a man, having two romantic rivals of sorts, first through the harmless Mido, a fellow kid, and then in the dangerous Ganondorf. Further, part of Link’s quest is to find Seven Sages who will help imprison Ganondorf, four of whom are young girls little Link meets that grow into romantic interests for adult Link. Overall the game is about transformation and while deep and beautiful, is also extremely horny. 

 Like Twilight Princess, textually the game’s theme is pretty horny but it also has some very notable NPCs, including some that have become very big icons for LGBTQ+ game fans. There’s the race of the Gerudo, a desert clan of only women, Impa, Zelda’s lesbian (I pray because I love her so much) bodyguard, and Sheik, who is assumed to be a man but turns out to be Zelda in disguise, and as a non-binary person myself, not only do I really enjoy Sheik as a character and concept, I also find them extremely hot. Oh, there’s also the Great Fairy who was rumoured to be designed after drag queens. She floats half-naked and sings over you while she heals you. 

 

2: The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass and Spirit Tracks (2007, 2009)

Now, these two games are different in plot, but since they are similar mechanics-wise and often grouped together, they will tie here at the second spot. Released for the DS, these games are somewhat infamous in the Zelda fandom mostly because, while having the cartoon Link art style of the beloved Wind Waker, they did not live up to that game at all and were seen as subpar handheld games that can be skipped. However, these games have horny out the wazoo. First, both of the main mechanics of the gameplay involves you gripping the shaft of the DS stylus and pounding it harder, and harder, and harder, in order to swing your sword, throw bombs, or whatever else the game needs you to do in order to save the day. The plots are second to the adrenaline-filled rage you get by almost breaking the small handheld into pieces in seemingly more frustrating and nonsensical tasks, which leaves you with a lot of steam to blow off. 

The plots of these two games don’t matter, the main thing that separates them is that one takes place on a boat and the other on trains. Yes, trains. Phantom Hourglass is the less horny of the two, mainly redeemed by Link’s sailing partner Linebeck who is a total Chad and definitely is into Link, but compared to Spirit Tracks it’s a nunnery. Spirit Tracks is easily one of the most sensual experiences any gamer can have as it involves the sexiest thing of all: trains. Just the sheer eroticism of trains is enough to get anyone hot and heavy but having my favorite video game use trains as the main mechanic, well let’s just say I will be at home tonight, pouring myself some wine, and enjoying Link on a train all by myself. You also get a little train whistle you can pull while riding the train that goes toot toot! There is also a mechanic where Zelda, who is a ghost– don’t ask– can take over the bodies of others which I’m sure is someone’s kink. I mean it’s no trains but it’s ok. No judgment here. 

 

Honorable Mention: Ripened Tingle’s Balloon Trip of Love (2009)

The name tells you all you need to know.

 

1: The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword (2011)

Here’s the thing: Skyward Sword is probably my least favorite main title game, so you know that it has to have something pretty horny to take the prime spot of the horniest Zelda game there is. Now, throughout this article, you probably have noted that horniness rating comes down to a few boxes to be ticked: textual theme, NPCs, gameplay, and my own nonsense. Skyward Sword ticks everyone. Using the somewhat hated Wii MotionPlus technology, you actually have to swing the controller like the sword in the game, which is very immersive and gets you very sweaty. Further, in this game, Link’s companion in Fi, who turns out to be the living soul of the Master Sword from all the other games, which means the larger thick sword you use to plunge and penetrate in every other game is alive which is way sexier than it just being metal and recontextualizes the horniness of every other game. There’s also Groose, an NPC who starts out as Link’s sexual rival for Zelda but transforms into a loveable himbo that anyone could write self insert Wattpad fanfic about. But while all these things are pretty horny, what sets Skyward Sword above the rest is one character and one character only: Ghirhaim

Ghirahim is the main antagonist of the game until it is revealed he’s just another minion of Gannon, but instead of being your run of the mill villain, he is flamboyant, vain, and ostentatious and makes multiple overt sexual advances seemingly on Link, or maybe to the player, throughout the game often wiggling his tongue by Link’s ear and giving unsolicited back massages. He has enough flair that even in a game I wasn’t really happy playing, I was overjoyed when he appeared, as his diamond earring shone and he threw his red cape aside to show his skintight bodysuit (I assume it’s a bodysuit). He is also so devoted to his greater master that it entirely destroys him in the end, which is pretty much as hot as it gets. In a series that can be seen as fairly neutered, Ghirahiam has added a lot more spice to the Zelda Fanfic world, which it desperately needed and we forever thank him for that.