Originally published in print February 2021.

The concept of love languages, while in no way a new idea, has in recent years become quite the romantic phenomenon. Some people swear by them to the point where they consider them to be the foundation of any successful relationship. Others view them as vapid mores of the dating world. Then there are those who haven’t got a clue about what love languages even are. Regardless of what bracket you may fall into, it is extremely likely that you respond to at least one love language even if you don’t actively recognise them. 

 

So what are love languages exactly?

 

The five love languages originated in a book of the same name by Dr. Gary Chapman back in 1995. They are:

 

 

1. Words of Affirmation

 

For some people, actions don’t always speak louder than words and they’d much rather hear you express your love verbally. These people respond best to words of praise and encouragement like: “You’re beautiful”, “I’m so proud of you”, or “You’re such an amazing person.” This love language doesn’t rely solely on the spoken word –  it can also take the form of written notes, or text messages. 

 

 

2. Acts of Service

 

With ‘Acts of Service’, action is all it takes to show your partner your affection. Often-times this manifests as small tasks, like making your partner coffee or being the person who catches spiders for them, but grander acts are a welcome form of love too. Something like changing their tyres or cooking them dinner shows that you are willing to give up your time for them, and that you know them well enough to know what will make them happy, and simply make their day easier.

 

 

3. Receiving Gifts

 

Receiving gifts can sometimes be seen as a shallow love language, when in reality it’s just as valid as any other. These gifts don’t have to be expensive or gaudy, rather it is the act of giving itself that reassures your partner of your love. Those who respond well to this love language will often drop hints as to the kind of gifts they would like to receive. Receiving these gifts makes them feel heard and valued by their partner.  When it comes to this love language, the process of gift giving and receiving is just as important as the gift itself. Whether these gifts are as simple as your partner’s favourite food, or as extravagant as jewellery, what matters is that the gift reflects them and demonstrates your affection.

 

 

4. Quality Time

 

Quality time is as straight-forward as it sounds; some people simply need to spend time with their partners in order to to feel loved. This doesn’t necessarily mean elaborate dates or going out together constantly – for someone whose love language is quality time, a day spent together at home is more than satisfactory. The motivation behind this love language is that you want to feel close to your partner. You might achieve this by studying together or calling each other up to talk about your day. The ‘quality time’ love language is all about appreciating each other’s presence and staying in the moment, regardless of what form that moment may take.

 

 

5. Physical Touch

 

If physical touch is your primary love language, it means that you respond best to physical acts of love, over other forms. It’s important to note that this love language is by no means restricted to acts of sexual pleasure; it can involve holding hands, touching your loved one’s shoulder in a gesture of comfort or support, or kissing their forehead. People who identify physical touch as their love language are likely quite comfortable when it comes to public displays of affection. In fact, PDA can be a way of reassuring them about the state of your relationship. Of course, communication is key when navigating this love language. It is important to ensure that you continue to check that your partner is comfortable in any given situation, and that all touch is consensual. 

 

The concept of love languages has become much more popular in recent years. Despite first being proposed back in 1995, the idea of love languages has only taken off relatively recently, perhaps because previously they were seen as arbitrary or unnecessary. This newfound popularity may be chalked up to the fact that, now more than ever, people like to know more about themselves. Like any personality test or horoscope, identifying your love language can help you better understand yourself, and, moreover, help you decide what you value most in romantic relationships. Belief in the notion of love languages gives people a sense of comfort. They feel that the way they respond to certain acts is totally. Thus, there is no guilt surrounding what they need from their partners. 

 

Knowing your love languages can only bolster your relationships. Educating yourself about love languages can help you to better communicate with your partner. It can also guide you as to how you can make yourself and your partner feel more comfortable and better appreciated in your relationship.

 

If you choose to acknowledge love languages within your relationship, it is worth keeping in mind that you and your partner may not speak the same one. Therefore, as important as it is to figure out what your own love language is, we cannot stress enough that it is just as important to learn what your partner’s one is. It’s vital that the recognition of love languages is reciprocal. It can’t be one-sided, there needs to be an equal balance of giving and taking among those involved. I’m not exactly sure if it’s normal practice to inform someone outright what your love language is but by all means go for it! (Open and honest communication is always a good thing!) You don’t even need to frame the conversation within the given terminology – you can simply just tell your partner what makes you feel loved. Don’t worry if such blatant communication is not your style, as it’s likely that you and your partner will discover one another’s love languages over time. As you get to know each other better, you’ll pick up on what makes each of you feel valued and supported, the knowledge of which is bound to be a healthy foundation for any relationship! 

 

However, these may be factors you already consider in your relationship, without terming it “catering to your partner’s love language.” The five love languages simply lay out the different ways in which we show and receive affection. If anything, the concept provides us with vocabulary to help navigate and express feelings which we already, perhaps subconsciously, experience. In fact, love languages can be applied, in many ways, to all relationships, not just those of a romantic nature. 

 

If you’d like to learn more, why not take one of the many quizzes out there, and find out what your love language is: 

 

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/ 

 

https://thetab.com/uk/2020/04/28/love-languages-quiz-we-can-tell-you-your-love-language-154073