Originally published in print November 2020.

Illustrations by Lola Fleming and Catherine Ding.

 

Unfortunately, we are in lockdown again. When the first edition of this series was written, I made reference to the fact that we were in a global pandemic. It’s a difficult time and it’s made relationships all that more difficult to form and maintain.  I’m here to provide advice and — since no one has suggested I quit yet — I must be doing something right. 

 

 

I have been having sex with my boyfriend for about six months and in that time I don’t feel that I have orgasmed once. However, he says I have! I have all of the signs – lots of vocalisations, very wet and he says I have muscle spasms when he’s inside me. Whatever we do obviously feels great but I haven’t ever got to that like ‘release’ stage so I don’t know what to do. We’re trying new stuff all the time but he’s getting exhausted having to rub me for so long and not getting a big result. Any advice would be much appreciated! Thanks!

 

First of all, many women have trouble achieving orgasm and it’s unfortunate that you’re experiencing this. Sex is  subjective and what we enjoy and what makes us orgasm is so unique to us that sometimes it can be tricky to achieve that. The first piece of advice I can give you is to familiarise yourself with your own body. While your boyfriend may recognise what he perceives as signs of orgasm (which he’s not wrong about!), if you feel that you haven’t reached that point, then you probably haven’t. Nobody knows your body better than you,  and it may be helpful  to try and figure out what helps you achieve orgasm by yourself.Then, maybe bring this forward to your boyfriend. One of the most important things you can do in a relationship is to communicate with your partner. If you can recognise something that works for you, then you should let him know about it. While you say you’ve been trying lots of new things, these new things might not necessarily be what works for you and the key aspect of achieving orgasm is finding that one thing. 

 

If it’s more a case of you knowing what works for you and your boyfriend being unable to recreate that, maybe it could be worth exploring other avenues, such as introducing sex toys which can help aid with orgasm.

 

It’s also important to remember not to put too much pressure on yourself to reach the point of orgasm.. Your frustration is completely understandable, but the added pressure that exists when orgasm is considered the ‘conclusion’ of sex creates a lot of anxiety that may actually impede what you’re trying to achieve. 

 

 

I’m 23 and my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years in which time I have had doubts, like everyone I’m sure. I’ve never really been with anyone else we got together when I was 17 and I never expected that we’d actually still be together now. I love him but I think being alone is an important part of adulthood and I don’t want to get older and regret not having that time. Am I just being greedy wanting something I don’t have when the situation I’m in is pretty great anyway?

 

What you are saying is right: being alone is an important part of adulthood. Crucial development takes place between the ages of 17 to 23, and it might feel like being in this lengthy relationship has stunted or taken some of that from you. It’s completely normal to feel like this, but I think it’s important to consider what it is that you feel you need space from. Do you want some time alone predominantly to be away from your boyfriend, or, do you want time alone to focus on your growth? 

 

Both of these things are completely fine and it’s not greedy to crave either. But it is important to consider the consequences of what taking a break from a relationship will do. Once the fundamental dynamics of a relationship change, it’s hard to reclaim the ‘previous’ relationship that once existed, and this could be a very real issue if you do decide to take some time alone.

 

Communication is key to any relationship. While it may be  a daunting topic to approach, you might find that your boyfriend  has similar feelings and, even if he doesn’t, nothing bad should ever come from telling someone how you feel.

 

Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide what you need space from, and then to make a decision based on what you need. However, it is important to talk to your partner so that you can make an informed decision, whatever it is you decide.