Originally published in the Summer Issue 2020.
Sometimes, when we go on dates we might not feel ourselves. While discomfort and awkwardness may go hand in hand with new romantic situations, this is a different type of uncomfortable. There are times when I have left dates feeling so drained of all my energy from putting on a ‘performance’ of what I perceive to be the best version of myself that I wonder why I do this and whether it’s a common feeling.
A good way to explain exactly what is meant by the ‘performative role’ in dating is by using dating apps as an example. On Tinder, Bumble, Hinge (or whatever your preferred dating app is), you present the best version of yourself. It’s very instinctual to do this, but perhaps it’s less blatant when you do it in person. Obviously, it’s no crime to try and come across as your best self, and we’re certainly all guilty of it, but in a way, maybe it’s sad that we feel the need to do this. It seems to reflect that our usual self is something we should try and change.
Doing this is also counterproductive. On the less extreme side of this performance, we may have people making slight exaggerations of their achievements to sound impressive and, on the other end, there might be full-blown lying, both leading to trouble down the way. Personally, I know I’m guilty of the former. I’ve pretended to like music I didn’t like or know, and I’ve played up aspects of my personality that really aren’t that dominant, and every time I’ve caught myself doing it, afterwards I always ask myself ‘why?’ Thankfully, I’ve grown from this but on reflection, why was there ever a need for it in the first place? It stemmed from a place that wasn’t genuine and above all else, it was tiring.
Aside from the falsity that this perpetuates, it also can shred away your self esteem and the faith that you have in yourself. The reasons why we do this vary. First of all, we may be doing it for the other person; when we change aspects of ourselves to seem more desirable, it comes from a place of insecurity within ourselves. But the nature of what we are changing does often depend on the other person. When it includes feigning interest in things that the other person likes that we don’t, it is partly for their benefit. Maybe we feel that if we do not like this one thing that they enjoy, they will lose interest. Of course, this may be true. Sometimes there are fundamental parts of a person’s interests that just need to be reciprocated, but we shouldn’t see not enjoying this as a flaw. Instead, this is merely a natural difference in interests. On the other hand, if you feel you need to have absolutely everything in common with a person to gain their validation, it might be time to step away from dating to allow self-reflection.You need to realise that it is not just similar interests that make a relationship, it’s so much more than that.
Sometimes we do this more for ourselves. While there is insecurity at the root of both reasons, sometimes people may just completely reinvent their characters independent of what the other person likes/dislikes. They do this because they intrinsically do not think they are good enough. This is terribly sad, and while it’s okay to want to work on yourself, to constantly put yourself down as not enough will only ever make you unhappy. Changing yourself is a dangerous trope that often arises in film and television, usually played for laughs. As previously mentioned, self improvement is in no way a bad thing, but there is a fine line between self-reflection and self-hate. I am in no way an Amy Schumer fan, but I Feel Pretty (2018) is a film that examines this to some extent. While it focuses mainly on the body image of the main character, it does begin a conversation around self-acceptance that isn’t always a prominent theme in many romantic films.
Societal pressures can also play a part in this performance piece. Although this issue affects all genders, there are specific aspects which affect mostly women. While the culture is certainly changing, there is a historical view that women are to be quiet and reserved. Women who are loud and outgoing can be seen as and have been traditionally depicted as unapproachable. This can lead to women altering the way they act to be seen as more attractive. This misogynist take has been deeply ingrained in society and has even lead to women tearing down other women and gives way to what is informally known as a ‘pick me’ culture, where women completely change their views, behaviours and personality to become more desirable to men.
You are enough, and there should be no need for you to attempt to be anyone other than yourself, especially when it comes to new relationships. Putting on an act or constantly trying to be your ‘best self’ isn’t sustainable. We all have flaws and undesirable traits, and if you’re going to have any sort of relationship with someone, they will come to recognise these as part of you. While you should never be intentionally hurtful to someone, there is no use in pretending that you are absolved of all your negative qualities. It is better to accept and work on negative characteristics, rather than just pretending they do not exist.
Perhaps there is a degree of overanalysis to this. Trying to present yourself a certain way isn’t always a bad thing and there can be unhealthy consequences to reading into our behaviours too deeply. It could be argued that getting to know someone includes the bad as well as the good and that discovering flaws is a natural byproduct of intimacy. This doesn’t mean that they were trying to conceal these traits in the first place. However, it does become a problem when a person becomes so unsure of themselves that they are actively trying to cover their perceived flaws, which may actually just be normal, human traits.
