Content warning: references to mental health issues

 A lot of people seem to have a very dismissive attitude towards long-distance relationships. As somebody in one, I’ve gotten questions and comments such as: “How do you deal with it?”, “You have more patience than I do”, and “You must really love her to go through that.” While I don’t mind these comments at all, and I know that they come from a place of genuine curiosity, I think that they do reveal that there is a decent amount of stigma surrounding long-distance relationships. Oftentimes, couples break up before they have to go through a period of distance because they know that they can’t bear the challenges that come with it. I sympathize with people who feel this way, which is why it may be helpful to tell my story about my long-distance relationship. My relationship has lasted a year and a half so far, though not all of that has been long-distance. In fact, we just lived together for about five months during quarantine. I hope that by talking about how the distance affected us, as well as how we transitioned into living together, and back again, you might be more inclined to give long-distance dating a try.

I met my girlfriend, Renee, on Tinder (yes, relationships do in fact result from Tinder sometimes). At first, I wasn’t sure what I wanted from her, and I don’t think she was sure either. When we had our first date, there were only about two weeks left until I had to return to Ireland for the semester. I figured that if I was going to be willing to try long distance, I was going to have to fall for her pretty hard. Well, I think it’s safe to say that I certainly did. Our first few dates were amazing. We quickly discovered that we’re both introverts at heart (being alone or close to alone is how we recharge), and that we both have a lot of the same interests. My instant attraction was also helped by just how beautiful she is. During our last date before I left for the semester, we agreed that we wanted to try long distance. I wasn’t the most optimistic about it because we hadn’t known each other for very long, so I didn’t know if we’d be motivated to put in the work. However, that wasn’t the case at all. We started a routine of texting each other throughout the day when we were both awake, as well as Skyping for about an hour each night. Renee and I both deal with anxiety and depression, so we were able to talk to each other through our toughest days. We even sent each other gifts for Valentine’s Day despite only having been dating for about a month and a half at that point. Establishing a routine for our relationship was, to me, the most valuable thing that we did. A routine that both partners feel comfortable with can be an anchor when the distance makes the seas feel rough. We both knew what we expected out of the other.

Last summer, and last Christmas, when I came back home to live with my family, I saw plenty of Renee as well. The transition from calling her to seeing her wasn’t as drastic as one might think, mainly because we didn’t live together, so we did not see that much more of each other than we did during long distance. The difference was the quality of time (in person, not through the phone), rather than the quantity. We continued our routine during my semesters in Ireland, and things seemed to be going very well. However, in March of this year, the world kind of…broke. With the pandemic shutting down college, I flew home to spend the foreseeable future with my family. During that time, Renee had moved into the guest bedroom of my family’s house because she wanted to be more independent from her immediate family. That means that when I got back to the US, I was living with Renee (and her cute, but very high-energy German Shepard, Luna). Just like that, I went from being in a long-distance relationship to living with my girlfriend. It might sound like a dream scenario in that I had so much more time with the woman I love, but it was pretty difficult at first. Like I mentioned, I’m an introvert at heart. It was very difficult to find alone time in the first few weeks, partially because I would’ve felt guilty if I had asked for much of it. After all, I had just spent months living by myself, so wouldn’t I get tired of it? Not really. I love spending time with people, especially my girlfriend, but if I don’t have an hour or two to myself each day then I’ll start feeling a bit claustrophobic. Renee and I did end up communicating about this; I brought it up by discussing how we are both introverts, and introverts need space sometimes. Once again we developed a routine where each of us could be as satisfied as possible (given the circumstances of the pandemic) with our division of time. Despite being cooped up all the time, the five months I was home with her and my family were some of the happiest of my life. We cooked many amazing meals together, went on stunning hikes with her dog, and binged a ton of great shows whilst wrapped in each other’s arms.

Now that the summer is drawing to an end, I have just recently gone back to Ireland for the semester. My girlfriend and I were both very nervous about me leaving. For one, it may be a long time until I see her in person again. With the way the US has handled Covid-19, and the fact that Trinity’s Semester One exams are early in January, it may not be feasible for me to go back home for Christmas, as I’d likely spend most of the time quarantining and studying. Secondly, even if I can go back in the winter, we’re worried that the long-distance relationship could be unsatisfying after living together for several months. We’re out of the “passionate love” phase of the relationship and into the “compassionate love” phase. While that means we’ll miss each other more, I also think it will mean that we will need each other more. Renee and I will not just be Skyping our significant other at the end of the day, but the person we love. We’ll need to work at it, but we know how to build a successful routine in a long-term relationship. So far in my first week back to Ireland, we’ve been doing just that.

While I understand that long-distance relationships are difficult and are not for everyone, it is simply not true that they can’t work. If it were true, there is no way Renee and I would’ve built a year-and-a-half-long relationship, much of which was facilitated only through Skype and texting. I hope that in this article, I’ve been able to shed light on how long-distance relationships can work, as well as the difficulties with them and provided examples of how Renee and I have overcome some of these difficulties. If you really like someone and a long distance situation may be upon you, I’d encourage you to give it a try. See if it’s for you, and if it is, you might find something very special.

For further information, guidance, and support concerning the issues raised in this piece, please see:

Samaritans: https://www.samaritans.org/

TCD Counselling Services: https://www.tcd.ie/Student_Counselling/