WORDS Meadhbh McGrath
ILLUSTRATION Graham Haught
“Suck my fat cock.” Jesus Christ. “TELL ME YOU WANT TO SUCK MY FAT COCK.” What the fuck am I doing here? It felt like that nightmare where you’re naked in front of an audience and forgetting your lines. The guy had always been extremely shy, but as soon as we got to his room he started yelling at me like he was directing his own porn film, rather than engaging with what was in front of him. Afterwards, I thought it probably made sense. Dirty talk is a kind of role play, and is perhaps an easier form of communication for shy people, allowing them to express themselves and their desires without feeling vulnerable.
One of my friends recently lamented the evolution of the hetero sex act into “a theatrical performance” where you’re expected to recite a script. But I became interested after reading about a recent study on sexual preferences which found that roughly 50 per cent of women rated dirty talk as “either strongly or extremely enjoyable”. I spoke to a lot of men and women about their thoughts on talking dirty, and while most people agreed that they enjoyed it in small doses, they generally described their experiences as uncomfortable, and a lot of straight women mentioned that they felt guys had pressured them to talk dirty.
Another woman, Ciara, remarked that dirty talk “just makes me cringe, especially coming from a guy”. Dirty talk is much more acceptable, and expected, from women than men. “It’s so much better when the sounds you make are actually sincere and not forced out of you in an attempt to conform to a porn ideal,” Fiona noted. “I can’t even say how many times I’ve been asked by a guy to tell him how badly I want his ‘big fat cock’. While I kind of wanted it before, at that point I just want you to get the fuck out.”
Oftentimes, what feels amazing sounds ridiculous. Saying “I want to rub my fat cock all over those tits” out loud sounds so cliche and contrived it’s almost impossible to find sexy. It’s difficult to strike a balance between slangy and dispiritingly literal, most notably in the almost criminal lack of suitable synonyms for “vagina”.
Talking dirty often involves theatrically using the language of degradation, which seems to be the main problem for people. Almost all of the women I spoke to noted how every time dirty talk has been bad for them, it was because it infantalised or subjugated them in some way. Fiona remarked, “The last thing women want is to be literally forced to objectify themselves in a supposedly intimate moment.” This could be as simple as being positioned as a “naughty little girl”, or as extreme as being asked to call someone “Master” (a particularly horrific memory from one woman). Deirdre told me about her experience with a guy who “kept asking me ‘Who’s pussy is this?’, clearly wanting me to say ‘It’s yours, big strong man.’ But I just said, ‘This is MINE!’”.
Of course, many straight men have problems with the negotiation of power in dirty talk. Cian described a situation with his girlfriend, who asked him to call her a “whore” when they were having sex. “I told her, ‘I can’t call you that, I don’t want to think of you like that,’” he recalled. However, dirty talk essentially operates within the realm of fantasy rather than in a literal reality, a distinction that is important for both parties to acknowledge for it to be enjoyable. As one woman noted, “My boyfriend sometimes asks me to describe something I’ve done with someone else … or something I just made up — it doesn’t have to be real. A lot of the time he would imagine me being with some other guy in front of him. It’s the idea of me being ‘slutty’, but it’s like a play on it.”
However, dirty talk works extremely well for some people, such as Claire, who explained that she really enjoys it, so long as she feels respected and loved by her partner: “I would say that it took some getting used to. I sometimes feel like a ‘bad feminist’ for liking that kind of thing, but there’s a difference between consensual submissiveness and forced.” She explained how her boyfriend uses dirty talk when they’re at dinner or drinks, whispering a scenario in her ear. “When we get home I’d be so turned on from my own imagination that the sex is a lot more passionate or interesting,” she observed, “I think for women in general our imagination needs to be turned on before our bodies are and that’s why I like it.”
So long as both people are okay with it, and aware of their partner’s boundaries, dirty talk can heighten pleasure before and during sex. Maybe the best advice when it comes to sex is to keep an open mind (and an open mouth).
