Illustration by Emily Stevenson.
Originally published in print March 2021.
There are an unbelievable number of myths about sex and sexuality floating around in our society, so I thought it would be appropriate to debunk as many of them as an A4 page would allow….
Myth: You can only lose your virginity by having penis-in-vagina penetrative sex
Fact: The word ‘virginity’ has been knocking about in English society since the 14th-century. Believing in virginity as a state defined by your experience (or, non-experience) of penetrative sex is part of a hangover from the word’s historical usage during eras when only heterosexual, marital-based sexual expression was sanctioned. Times have changed, and with that, we have come to recognise virginity more and more as the social construct it is. Bottom line – you do not have to have penis-in-vagina sex to lose your virginity; your virginity is defined on your own terms. What’s more, you don’t need to give credence to the word at all if you don’t want to. You do you!
Myth: The clitoris is that little bulb just above the vulva.
Fact: Okay, so this bulb is the clitoris – that much is true. But, the clitoris is so much more than this bulb. To quote medical journalist Jennifer Chesak, ‘the full anatomy of the clitoris looks like an upside-down flower with large petals extending inside the body that embrace the vaginal canal.’ Think of the clitoris as being like an iceberg – the surface element is a magnificent, though comparatively small segment of what lies beneath.
Myth: Only ‘old’ people use lube.
Fact: Lube is for anyone and everyone. For starters, dryness anywhere is not embarrassing. It doesn’t make you or your partner(s) less sexy. Using lube can actually make you sexier! You don’t have to be experiencing dryness anywhere for you want to bring out your favourite lubricant. Lube doesn’t just combat friction; lube can introduce exciting new sensations during intimate play. There are all different kinds of lubes to help you achieve maximum pleasure: try warming lube during a cold winter’s night, or, whack out the mint-flavoured lube the next time you go down there. Just make sure you check your lubes for potential allergens and condom-related interactions before you buy.
Myth: The amount and nature of the sex one has determines one’s vaginal ‘tightness’.
Fact: This is a dangerous myth to be out and about in society; it’s the fictional foundation often used to ‘justify’ derogatory comments about one’s sexual ‘looseness’. Furthermore, as Lauren Averbuch MD says, calling a person ‘loose’ is not only deeply offensive, it also demonstrates a complete misunderstanding of the vagina, which is composed of multiple muscles that define the pelvic floor. One’s vaginal muscles can tighten and relax depending on circumstances to make the vagina more or less accommodating. In other words, vaginas aren’t shaped according to the number or type of objects which enter them – penises and dildos included. Vaginas work with the other parts of your body to shape themselves. There are certain conditions which may weaken your pelvic muscles*, but these take the form of vaginal childbirth, menopause, traumatic injuries, and gynaecological cancer, not your average steamy session.
Myth: My female partner should be squirting when we have sex.
Fact: To begin, I should say that scientists do not fully understand female ejaculation, as to date there has only been limited research into the biological phenomenon. One thing is for certain, though: female ejaculation isn’t the guaranteed all-or-nothing spectacle which porn typically makes it out to be. A woman may expel fluid from her urethra during orgasm or sexual arousal. This fluid might be colourless and odourless and produced in large quantities. It might be thick and milky and less voluminous. There may not be any fluid at all. It really has no bearing on whether or not a woman is enjoying sex, and really shouldn’t be a source of anxiety for her sexual partner.
Myth: To be bisexual, I have to be equally attracted to men and women all the time.
Fact: If you or anyone you know identifies as bisexual and truly feels equally attracted to men and women all the time, then that’s genuinely wonderful and I applaud that level of self-knowledge, but, and this is a big but, this ‘equal’ attraction is not the sole way to understand bisexuality. Bisexuality means different things to different people and should not be reductively understood as a 50/50 split in terms of one’s attraction to males and females. Maybe there’ll be a period of timewhen a bisexual cis-gender man only wants to date cis-gender men and that’s grand. Sexuality can change over time and acknowledging that can only help us better understand those around us.
Please email sex@tn2magazine.ie with any further myths which you would like to see addressed.
* If you suspect that you are experiencing pelvic muscular dysfunction you may benefit from seeking medical advice.
