Originally Published in Print, September 2021
When we think about love, the word, the feeling, whatever, I think it’s fair to say that we typically dwell on ideas of romance. Conceptually, romantic connections represent a sort of endpoint; a desire many of us have to meet that person who we hope will be the one, and blah blah blah the rest will hopefully be history. And this concept is fair, and normal, and life affirming in a way. But it also makes it way too easy to overlook other kind of love in our lives — namely platonic love —which is kind of annoying because platonic love is probably more important for our general health and wellbeing.
Actually, platonic love is definitely more important. Plus, it comes without a lot of the drama and heartache so ubiquitous within romantic relationships. Unlike romantic relationships, platonic love doesn’t revolve around the concept of searching for one single lasting bond. Of course, there are pivotal moments in our lives when we feel pressured to make friends, like first days of school, college or work. However, we don’t often look beyond the initial stages of the friendships we make.
Typically, the deep connection and affection we feel towards and with our friends develops quite organically. What’s more, when romantic love fails it often ends in painful goodbyes, jealousy and bitterness. Platonic love is different. That’s not to say that all friendships are permanent; they too are subject to the transient nature of life and can end just as badly. The difference between platonic and romantic love is that one doesn’t need to end for another to begin. Platonic love is plentiful in the places where romantic love falls flat. Friendships are bonds that we collect the whole way throughout life; they pile up from the very first friend we make to the ones we meet a little later, and if we’re lucky, the ones we make when we’re young will still be there when we’re old. Each one becomes a special part of our history and sense of self.
Given all this, you’d think that we’d remember to acknowledge platonic love for all its worth. Yet, it’s often put on the back burner, especially when relationships and dating swoop in and steal our attention. When we have friends who have been in our lives for a significant period of time, it’s easy to feel that they will never leave: they’ll always be by our side, through thick and thin. Hence, when somebody new enters our life, in a romantic setting, we experience a kind of inclination to prioritise them, due to reasons of infatuation. Plus, dating is fun and exciting and gets your heart racing. And when friendships have been long-established and built on strong foundations, we don’t worry about the possible fallout – which is quite presumptuous.
We see it in tv shows and movies all the time, the whole “prioritising partners” is taken to an excessive degree, to the point where a person forgets, or perhaps just stops their attempts to juggle the two relationships. And we all know who the winner is . . . Yeah, nine times out of ten they choose romance over platony. But this isn’t just a matter of fiction, because it happens in real life just as often, and most of us have probably lost a friend that way. The more I see it, the more it frustrates me, because in the end you’re gonna need your friends.
I get it, sometimes one relationship feels more important than others, especially at the beginning —it’s a natural human response. But I think people need to be really careful about ditching their friends for the sake of a boyfriend/girlfriend. Let’s be real: there is a very strong chance that your relationship is not going to go the distance. This isn’t me trying to be a negative Nancy or anything; it’s a statistic based on cold hard facts and real life experience. Honestly, I’d consider myself to be a romantic. I want to believe in soulmates and true love, but I’m not tone deaf enough to see such potential in every romantic encounter.
The point of this article isn’t to propose some sort of competition or ranking, but to establish that there are certain benefits one gains from platonic love, that romantic love can’t always compete with. It’s the feeling of perpetual familiarity, openness, and acceptance. `While these qualities are not completely foreign in romantic relationships, there is certainly a bit of give and take because in these relationships, disagreements and problems carry more weight and are more likely to perturb us. In a platonic setting, it is much easier to agree to disagree, and to move on as if nothing happened.
Some things in life simply need to be experienced with friends by your side, not lovers. And when all is said and done, friends are the ones who’ll stick around when your latest flame won’t.
