From medieval ideas of the need to tame ‘lustful’ women to the whole ‘hysteria’ nonsense applied to women until the 20th century, we have a whole history to unpack regarding women’s sexuality and pleasure. Some destructive ideas, including those of Freud, linger in the discourse even though our 21st century rhetoric is decidedly pro-orgasm. These days, we’re all about the health benefits of the orgasm – deep relaxation, boosted oxytocin and even contributing to a more youthful appearance (and I would definitely take sex over expensive anti-ageing cream anyday). Sex has also become a less taboo topic, with real, genuine conversations evolving from behind closed doors to the public sphere.  With this, women have taken better control of their sex lives and pleasure, and not feeling guilty or uncomfortable about it.

Articles will you tell you that in order to master the orgasm, you have to master masturbation. Well, I am definitely not here to tell you that you have to “know your body” to be able to climax because that’s bullshit. As women, we have been reared for centuries on a dissuasion from pleasure, and fed a variety of myths about our ‘nature.’ One of these myths has been ingrained into us that it is difficult for (cis) women to orgasm. The good news: anorgasmia, the medical inability to orgasm, often as a side-effect to medications or as part of another, underlying condition, is only found in about 4.7% of women – so you probably do not have it.

Not everyone is into masturbating. I mean, I’m all about a little flick and body empowerment and all, especially since it’s a great fuck you to the idea that women are supposed to be ashamed of their bodies and let men control them, but I rarely do it. Although, I admit if I wasn’t in a relationship I probably would feel the need to ladywank more. Either way, I really do think there is a fundamental difference between solo-sex and partnered-sex.

If you have a regular sex partner (relationship or otherwise), try to figure it out together because things you do to get yourself off probably won’t feel the same way as when they do it to you. That is one of the most exciting parts of sex – wondering if you touch this part of their body will they feel an electric current, or feel nothing. Is it going to take time to develop? Yes. Is is worth it? Yes! What else takes time? Foreplay! Do not skip this. Vaginas need plenty of stimulation to become aroused enough to lead to an vaginal orgasm. Learn each others’ bodies and figure out what works best for you as a couple. If your partner is not willing to put in the time, they’re not worth anything long-term, or short-term.  Many of us, not just cis-women, need to feel safe and confident with their partner before they can give that part of themselves to them, and that takes time. It could even take a few months if you’ve just started dating someone new. Therefore, are you going to have the best orgasm with a guy you met that night at Coppers? Probably not.

Live your sexlife through this Jill Robinson quote, “There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with. Love [or sex, for me] shouldn’t be one of them.” Sex is an experience, an intimate moment that two people share – it should be a joint exploration and pleasure. Give your partner a chance, and give yourself a chance, but do not put up with a lack or trying.

Few Things to Note About Orgasms:

• An orgasm feels like you need to pee. If you feel like you need to pee during sex – there you go! Just relax your muscles as you would on the toilet and let the tension drip out of your vagina. If you’re nervous whether this may actually be pee, just go to the bathroom beforehand in future.
• Pee after intercourse to avoid getting a UTI. I cannot stress this enough – even if you don’t feel like you need to pee, trust me, you do.
• If you’re not using condoms or pulling out, a lot of cum will dribble out – peeing and wiping will somewhat minimise this issue so you don’t start leaking.
• Yes, I do realise a lot of this is about peeing.
• Men and women are biologically programmed to behave differently after sex. Women get a rush of love, and want to cuddle to feel warm and fuzzy. Men want to get more of the hit they felt when they came – which, more often than not, is sleep. All he wants is a “hug for her, and roll for you” situation (@RossGeller). He doesn’t hate you, he’s just being a boy.