Originally published in print in February 2024.
Everyone and their mother has cooked some version of ‘Marry Me Chicken’. But what if you’re too young and broke for marriage? What if you’re simply dating someone new and want a way to get into bed with them? We at TN2 Food and Drink have your back. This recipe, which I have named Fuck Me Risotto, is a mushroom and leek risotto recipe that is sooo mouth wateringly delicious, it’s guaranteed that the person you’re making it for will want to have sex with you. It’s a buttery and umami rice dish, with a Japanese twist by using a miso broth instead of its usual chicken stock, and loads of salty parmesan and sweet leeks. While this recipe seems difficult and impressive, the technique is actually really easy! It just takes a bit of time to prepare, but that will only allow you to spend more time with your date. This recipe also includes white wine, which is a perfect opportunity to share a drink with your partner while you cook. Other flavours for cocktails that would pair with this dish would be a raspberry and mint gin bramble, a ginger whiskey sour, or perhaps a lemon drop martini. We also recommend having something similarly fruity, cold, and acidic for dessert, such as raspberry sorbet. You can also have some mint tea as a digestif, because if you do indeed make this on a date, you’ll want your stomach to be totally fine if you plan on partaking in bedroom activities. Instead of filling the void in your soul with instant ramen and one night stands, fill your stomach and heart with this beautiful risotto and meaningful sex.
Adapted from Jamie Oliver’s “Risotto Bianco”.
Serves 3-4
Ingredients:
Stock:
700 mls/ 1 pint glass boiled water
2 tbsp miso paste
1 veggie/chicken stock cube
Salt or soy sauce to season
Risotto:
1 leek
2 cloves garlic
Mushrooms, as desired
Olive oil
35g butter, plus an extra tbsp for frying
200g short grain rice, washed (arborio rice is traditional, we used sushi rice)
1 glass white wine
75g parmesan cheese
Make the stock by dissolving miso paste and the veggie stock cube into the hot water. You’ll only need about 1 pint of stock for this recipe, but add an extra cup or so of water to allow for evaporation. Taste the stock as you season to make sure it’s salty and umami enough, as the rice will mostly be seasoned by the stock. Keep it warm while you prepare the other ingredients.
Cut a medium leek in half lengthwise, and then slice into half-moons. Dice up as many mushrooms as you want in the risotto. I like to roughly slice the mushrooms and then chop down onto my pile for medium sized cubes. Remember they will decrease in size while cooking.
Add the mushrooms to a fairly large pot on medium heat with about a tablespoon of olive oil, stirring until the mushrooms have released water. Cooking the mushrooms like this before salting will ensure they’re not soggy. Let the water evaporate, add a pinch of salt, then clear a space in the middle of the pan where you’ll add another tablespoon of olive oil. Add the leeks to the pan, and stir all the veg together, cooking until the leeks are translucent but have not coloured.
Stir in the rice and turn the heat up. Let the rice fry until ever so slightly translucent, and then add the white wine. Once the rice has absorbed the wine, add a big pinch of salt and ONE ladle of your stock that has been waiting for you on the stove, and turn down the heat to simmer.
This is the labour intensive part. Make sure you stir the rice constantly until all the stock has been absorbed. Repeat this process, allowing each ladleful to cook into the rice before adding more stock. Keep stirring lest the rice burn!
Once you’ve added about a pint of stock, taste the rice to see if it’s cooked all the way through. It should be al dente, but definitely not chewy and hard. If it’s not cooked and you’re out of stock, add hot water instead.
Take the rice off the heat, and right before you’re ready to eat, add the butter and grated parmesan. Put a lid on your pan and let it sit for at least two minutes. This is where all the delicious dairy and miso and wine flavours will come together, and it will create this delicious gooey and creamy texture that is absolutely breathtaking.
Miso Braised Leek topping
It’s only natural to have your partner help out with cooking this romantic dish – but with the volatility of risotto, your romantic evening may start sounding like the ‘STEP OUT OF THE KITCHEN’ monologue from The Bear. Fear not, your partner can be useful in the creation of our recommended topping: Miso Braised Leeks, which can be prepared at the same time as the risotto. These decadent caramelised, almost confit leeks compliment the Japanese inspired risotto, and the acidity from the lemon and ginger rounds out the richness of the dish, and balances all of the harmonious flavours.
Recipe adapted from Maya Leinenbach’s “Miso leek”
Ingredients:
2 girthy leeks
1 Tbsp of miso paste, preferably yellow or white miso
2-3 cloves of garlic—measure with your heart—minced or grated
1 Tbsp of grated ginger
1 Tbsp of brown sugar
Juice of 1 lemon
125 ml/ ½ cup of hot water.
Salt and pepper to taste
Cut the Leeks into 3-4 cm rounds, stopping at the place where the leaves become thick. Place an oiled pan on medium heat, and place the leeks face down. Sear for 4-7 minutes—or until there’s a char—then flip and sear for another 4-7 minutes.
While the leeks sear, throw the rest of the ingredients in a bowl to make the braising liquid, and whisk until the miso has dissolved.
Once the leeks have charred, pour the miso mixture into the pan and cover. Let it reduce for around 10 minutes, or until slightly thick/caramelised. Then baste the braising liquid onto the leeks, and continue cooking with the lid off for two more minutes.
For the plating:
In a bowl, lay a bed of the horny risotto down thick. Then place 3-4 leek slices on top—and dont be shy…add as much sauce as you want. This is a soft dish, so if you need that crunch factor you can top with some puffed rice and furikake.
Use Protection, and Enjoy.
WORDS: Coco Goran and Mac Keller
