Who Won GBBO, Thank God Andrew Didn’t & Why Val Should’ve
We’ve all seen Bake Off. We’ve all seen the controversies… but what about the conspiracies?
Disclaimer: Most of this is actually my opinion, not a conspiracy. But seeing as our sister publication Trinity News is uncovering the deepest darkest secrets of Trinity, we thought we’d join in on the trend (but like, with Bake Off).
ANDREW
I, for one, was glad Andrew didn’t win. I know this is a controversial opinion but hear me out. Andrew Smyth missed his university graduation to bake for Bake Off. If Andrew won, many other bright eyed young ginger lads would have missed other momentous social occasions in the search for greatness. Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry needed to set an example. I did, however, shed a single tear when I heard Andrew’s nan talk so proudly about her grandson… who wasn’t going to win.
The Conspiracy: according to the BBC, Andrew is from the North. Apparently, he is even from Hollywood, County Down. However with his exceptionally thorough use of spreadsheets in the final I have deduced that there is no way under the sun that Andrew Smyth is from our great Irish north. He is a robot.
VAL
I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THE RESULT, VAL HAS BEEN CONSPIRED AGAINST BY: the BBC, the general media, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, The Trump Empire, The Honey Crunch Monster, Disney Pixar, Facebook, The Order of Malta and Putin.
This is the last Great British Bake Off on the BBC and I think the conspiracy against Val is going right to the ganache top. Let’s be real for a moment. Val is clearly the best contestant Bake Off has ever had. She wasn’t the best baker, but she was the president of our hearts. A cake whispering zumba queen, the final shots of Bake Off revealed that Val is going on a baking retreat to Ayia Napa! *internal scream* A lot of fans want Val’s roadtrip to have it’s own TV show. I am one of them.
#Val4Prez
CANDICE
Conspiracy: Candice won, but is she just Zoella in disguise?
When Andrew’s pastry turned out to be raw and Jane’s collar was destroyed in a heart-stopping show stopper, Candice/Zoella was our clear Bake Off Queen. With impressive lipstick, Candice proved she is not just Zoella in disguise but a star baker in her own right. Could we ever forget her gingerbread pub in Week 2? Or her piggie faced sausage rolls? Candice’s creativity and exceptional ability to go beyond the needs of a task meant she was sure to win the crown for 2016.
Love her or hate her, Candice won the coveted glass cake stand and will go down in Bake Off History. Peace out and bake hard.
Until next time (if there ever is one), Baking Soso xoxo
PS. We’re sorry we left Jane out of this, but she was just so emotional on screen that we felt uncomfortable writing about her? And we like emotions.
Padraic Rowley & Rachel Graham contributed to reporting on this piece.
Images by David Donovan.
