WORDS: MEADHBH MCGRATH
One of the least satisfying sexual encounters I’ve suffered through was a two female threesome. The whole time, I felt like the girl was putting on a show for the guy, reenacting the kind of performance she had seen in porn.
Just about everyone has a story. Maybe they’ve done it, know someone who did, or saw three people about to do it. I spoke to a variety of people about their thoughts on and experiences with threesomes, trying to find an answer to the question: is three really better than two?
Listening to other people’s stories and reading Cosmo’s and GQ’s guides on “How to Have a Threesome,” I was struck by the universal assumption of a female-female-male (FFM) gender breakdown. This threesome image is obviously most popular due to its prevalence in porn. Of the 28 most recent threesome videos on Pornhub, only three were male-female-male (MFM), and the titles for all three variously referred to double penetration. The emphasis is always on how the men sexually interact with the woman, not with each other.
Brian, who identifies as straight, told me he would never try a MFM threesome: “I’m too competitive, I don’t think I could deal with having another guy doing it to the same girl. I’d probably get too nervous and wouldn’t be able to follow through.” Many women, however, admitted that they longed to be part of a MFM threesome: “If anyone should be randomly hooking up with their same gender with no emotional attachment, it’s guys. I just want to find a pair of cute friends who want to have sex with each other, and me…”
Since we are so used to seeing fetishised images of naked women in the media, two female bodies together are not seen as a threat to heteronormativity. This homophobic stereotype considers sex between two women as “not real sex” or merely a performance for men, whereas sex between two men is immediately branded as “gay.” Because we are never shown naked male bodies together in popular media, the suggestion of MFM threesomes is threateningly charged — sexual interaction is seen either as a manifestation of latent homosexuality or a dangerous gateway to a chain of homosexual behaviour.
Consider the “devil’s threesome,” a slang term used to describe a MFM arrangement. The name obviously refers to the alleged immorality of homosexual behaviour. This ridiculous term is still used today, an example of enduring homophobic stereotype and a reminder of the insecurity many heterosexual men feel over their sexuality and masculine identity.
I’ve been involved in a number of MFM and FFM threesomes. On a trip to Paris, I went home with a pair of French guys. I had been kissing one of them earlier in the evening, and, as we sat outside on the balcony, he leaned in to kiss me again. Then suddenly, he pulled me into the sofa in the living room, where we started having sex. A few minutes in, his friend joined us and started touching and kissing us both. The whole experience felt extremely easy and fluid. In violent contrast, one of the least satisfying sexual encounters I’ve suffered through was a FFM threesome. The whole time, I felt like the girl was putting on a show for the guy, reenacting the kind of performance she had seen in porn.
One of the women I spoke to, Sinéad, told me, “There’s no way I could ever have a threesome. I am far too jealous and far too greedy.” Several other women agreed that they couldn’t handle a threesome, explaining they preferred one-on-one sex because they “like the attention.” A fellow student, Aoife, recalled: “I was asked to be a part of one as a birthday present to my mate’s boyfriend. I was up for it, but the more it was discussed, the more it became obvious that she was just doing it because her boyfriend had asked her to and she was scared she was losing his attention.”
This leads to my personal rule for threesomes: Never, ever do it with your partner. I’ve heard a handful of success stories, but most threesomes involving a couple seem doomed to face an imbalance. In order for a threesome to work, everyone involved should be excited and enthusiastic about the idea and in agreement about their expectations and boundaries.
In both straight and queer communities in Dublin, threesomes are very much a “novelty opportunity,” David, a gay student, noted. Threesomes, and group sex, challenge the assumption that sex should only happen between two people and illustrate that multiple desires can co-exist. However, we need to break free from the media- and porn-created image of how threesomes should play out and between whom. I would encourage more straight guys to experiment, in the hope that increased visibility of homosocial and homosexual interaction will break down homophobic stereotypes and allow people to fuck whoever they want.
