Remember the 80s cliché to introduce characters through a *record scratch* *freeze frame* moment that everyone makes fun of now? The creators of Sonic still think that’s cool. It feels like the studio dusted off a 1990s buddy comedy script and handed it to someone who was both extremely online in the mid-2010s and living under a rock in the latter half of the decade to modernise it, before allowing an intern to add a dash of millennial flair to it. Maybe this is because it was written by two men in their late forties who are trying desperately to pander to what modern children are interested in, while still making jokes that only their generation would find humorous. It might be difficult adapting a 90s video game character that hasn’t evolved with his Nintendo counterparts such as Mario and Zelda for a 2020 audience and this struggle is present throughout the movie which makes for a very confusing experience.

This film is all about everyone’s favourite blue space hedgehog, so we’ll begin with the cinematic character of Sonic and to put it simply; he makes no sense. After the 80s-style opening, we are transported back to see baby Sonic because every studio franchise needs a cute baby to sell toys. However, baby Sonic is far closer to much-derided Baby Nut than almost universally beloved Baby Yoda: he isn’t cute, he’s an asshole. His carer, a giant owl, asks him to do one simple thing, to not sprint around outside because some unknown evil creatures want to harm him for some unknown evil reason, so he immediately runs around, gets caught and then she dies a gruesome death because protagonists can’t have living parental figures. In the moments before her death, she sends Sonic to Earth, the safest, most welcoming planet in the galaxy. Sonic grows up alone in the forest and develops some really strange character traits; he is incredibly invested in little league baseball, has a fascination with cowboy paraphernalia, and in case those things weren’t modern enough for you, he loves flossing, and not his teeth. In fact, I never once saw him perform any hygienic activities so he probably stinks which sucks for police officer Tom Wachowski (James Marsden) who has to drive him across the country. No, while Sonic’s views on flossing are unknown, but he probably disapproves, HE LOVES THE FLOSS DANCE which became popular back in 2017. I am truly surprised that Sonic didn’t have a Jake Paul backpack and constantly talk about how much he wants to play Fortnite, not only because he lives in 2017, but because of the amount of product placement in this film too, but I’ll get to that later. The strangest moment BY FAR of Sonic’s personality is when he and his travelling buddy stop at a petrol station and across the street, he sees a biker bar which he proclaims is the coolest thing he has ever seen. When was the last time bikers have ever been cool? There’s a biker scene in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure (Tim Burton, 1985) which makes perfect sense because it was the post-Easy Rider (Dennis Hopper, 1969) Hollywood generation, but any sense of coolness bikers had to a general audience then was surely bludgeoned to death by Wild Hogs (Walt Becker, 2007) and I seriously doubt baby Sonic grew up watching Sons of Anarchy, however, it would make for a better film if he did. This is the heart of the conflict with this film, the writers come from that era so they probably think kids do like motorbikes, but upon the realisation that kids just watch Tik Toks all day, they just made Sonic a weird middle ground between a Goonie and a gamer.

Sonic is a character out of place and Sonic the Hedgehog is a movie out of time. This clash is present throughout the whole film and this ‘biker’ bar is where things really get weird because it isn’t a biker bar at all, it’s a country music bar – which you might think would be disappointing for Sonic who has a newfound love for biker culture, but thankfully his original love for cowboys is still strong so he can line dance his heart away. And dance he does, until two big burly, beefy boys come over and say that they hate Sonic and Tom’s lifestyle, and for a minute I thought this film was going to go full Road House (Rowdy Herrington, 1989) with one of them saying ‘I used to fuck little blue alien hedgehogs like you in prison’ before Sonic pulls his larynx out, which isn’t too implausible because this bar is called ‘The Roundhouse’. But instead of swerving into nostalgia like Stranger Things, it ham-fistedly handles modernity, and these two tough guys hate Sonic and Tom because they’re… hipsters???? Making fun of hipsters isn’t new in popular culture, in fact. The Simpsons did it back in 2012 and South Park did it in 2015 and maybe some weird uncle you feel obligated to be friends with on Facebook still shares memes about them, but it hasn’t been funny in years if it ever held much comical weight to begin with. So why the hell is the film that features a flossing Sonic making hipster jokes, maybe because the people writing it are those out-of-touch Facebook uncles who share fake giveaways and still tag you in Bad Luck Brian memes. In case you thought that this generational war was over – don’t worry because it’s raging in the soundtrack too as it jumps from artists like Guns ‘n’ Roses to Ty Dolla $ign and Lil Yachty, probably much to the chagrin of Axl Rose if the song One in a Million is anything to go by.

This culture clash isn’t the only issue with this film. It has quite a nice cast, once again with a blend of comedians new and old, however, this is not where the issue lies as Jim Carrey gives a classic performance with only a sprinkling of awkward lines about alternative milk-based lattés. The main issue with the cast comes from the underutilisation of it. Sonic is voiced by Ben Schwartz and Adam Pally plays the dim-witted deputy Wade. Adam and Ben hosted the last good episode of The Late Late Show before James Corden got his Sean Spicer-smeared hands on it. These are two of the funniest actors of the last decade who have a good rapport with one another and yet they only share one scene together and they have no back and forth in it. Why cast them both if you’re not going to make the most of their pairing? Thankfully, both get to have repartee with charisma succubus James Marsden.

For being such a by-the-numbers formulaic film, it can’t even get the basics right. For instance, as Sonic guides us through his new home of Green Hills in the opening minutes, he introduces us to Crazy Carl, the only human to know of his existence. To avid cinemagoers, this appears to be classic movie signposting à la the bow in The Host (Bong Joon Ho, 2006) which has a perfect payoff, but Carl only comes back as a half-joke in which he celebrates the fact that he’s not crazy but everyone still treats him like he is. For a film that seems so out of touch at times, it does attempt to get some post-Trump social messaging in as the good townsfolk of Green Hills rally around Sonic to protect him from the megalomaniac Dr. Robotnik, who has been hired by the monolithic government. However, the extent of the movie’s social message is good guys should do good things because a far friendlier face of the government returns for some product placement, and boy let me tell you does this movie have some product placement. Not your classic Michael Bay, here’s a Coke can sexily sweating in the sun product placement, this movie is a straight-up advertisement for Olive Garden giving not only their slogan in the opening act but plugging specific menu items in the final third. THEY PAID OFF THE DAMN PRODUCT PLACEMENT BETTER THAN CRAZY CARL!

You might argue that this is a children’s film so it shouldn’t be held to very high standards, but children’s movies can be beautiful works of art, such as Coraline (Henry Selick, 2009) or The Iron Giant (Brad Bird, 1999). However, maybe the same cannot be said for video game adaptations. There is still hope that more cinematic computer games such as Uncharted can successfully transfer to the big screen, but for platformers like Mario and Sonic, it’s game over.