I have a confession to make. I have feelings for my best friend. Yes, I have managed to break the number one rule of friendship: do not fall in love with your best friend. 

As we approach Valentine’s Day, I have been reflecting on college relationships.

 I truly only have experienced short term relationships during college, and I have also fallen victim to hookup culture. I have yet to be in a long term relationship in college, just like the majority of people our age. It’s rare to find a couple who truly are enamoured with each other. While each couple is different, I have discovered that each one has a singular similarity: they started off as friends. Some couples were friends for years. Hearing the stories of these happy couples, it brings me a sense of hopefulness, as I imagine myself in their position. Could it even be possible in a world where we are all so scared to share our feelings or be vulnerable? I have yet to find out. 

At first, our relationship was purely platonic. I distinctly remember meeting them at a birthday party when we were in our first year. I was an incredibly awkward and pretentious 1st year , and I was very loud too. However, my friend managed to come up and talk to me even though I was incredibly intoxicated and embarrassing to be around. 

Soon enough we began spending more time together. We talked about everything and anything. We have the same sense of humour, so it is easy to laugh and joke with each other. We come from similar backgrounds, so we can also have hard conversations about the things that matter most to us. Soon enough, we began spending more and more time together. We often walked back from class together to our accommodation, or sat together alone during parties. It became clear that we had a lot in common, and it felt easy to be around each other. 

In the beginning, our love lives were one of our favourite topics to discuss. We often spoke of our crushes, and my friend was even dating someone when we first met. It never crossed my mind once in the beginning that we could ever be compatible romantically. It just felt so natural platonically. Throughout our relationship, so many friends of mine asked me to set them up with my crush/best friend, and I often complied. Initially, I assumed we would always just be friends. 

Soon enough, my feelings slowly caught up to me. I remember blushing whenever my friend complimented my outfit, or feeling my heart jump with excitement when I saw them on the luas, or in the arts block. I listened to every song they told me about. I read their favourite book. I watched their favourite film. I laughed at every joke they would crack. I learned the names of their family members. I watched with awe when my friend would, or hold the door for an elderly person. Every time we would embrace, I would hold them for a second longer than I should have. I felt myself become slightly envious of the people they dated or drunkenly made out with in clubs. Each day would pass and I felt myself slowly understanding that this felt like more than just a friendship. 

 I remember the moment where I realised I had developed serious feelings for my friend. We were outside of Dublin, only a few days after exams had ended. We were on the beach with a group of our friends. The sun was out and  It was a blissful early summer’s day. We were away from the group, silently standing next to each other. My friend has light blue eyes- the same colour as sapphires. Sometimes in the sun, their eyes quite literally sparkle. I quietly looked over to my friend and saw them looking back at me. Their piercing, shining eyes were quite literally the most beautiful sight I have seen. It genuinely took my breath away, as I watched them look at me silently as we dipped our feet into the water. That is when I knew that this was going to end up as a very depressing remake of When Harry Met Sally. 

I have yet to speak to them about my feelings. Yet these feelings have only grown stronger. I realised I like them even after fights, or after periods of time where we briefly drift apart . I even liked them when they were seeing someone shortly after that beach day long ago. My infatuation became love before I had even realised it. I have dated before in my life, but never have I felt such love for every aspect of someone, flaws and all. 

However, I am still conflicted. I still do not even know how they feel about me or if they think about me romantically at all. Do I risk our friendship all because of a crush? Should we just stay friends who flirt, but never act on it? I have heard so many horror stories of rejection, and I am not sure if I could handle it. Could I even still be friends with them if I confess how I feel? I often rewatch Call Me By Your Name in search of guidance, yet I am still conflicted as to whether or notI should speak about how I feel. The idea of us drifting apart because of the depth of my feelings scares me because I do not want to ruin a good thing. Plus, the looming question of post- college plans has crossed my mind; Will we still be friends after Trinity? Would we live near each other in the future? I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it now. 

But a part of me is ready to speak my mind. Our generation is very afraid of deep feelings, intimacy, and commitment. Often we are unsure of what we want as we are so young, so sometimes it is seen as better to not act on feelings rather than to risk rejection and heartbreak. I remember my first breakup in highschool, and how it felt as if I was dying. I vowed to never date again (this quickly changed). But maybe Elio’s Dad in Call Me By Your Name was right: Maybe it’s better to feel something, act on it, and risk failure than to numb yourself to the point of no feeling. It is so rare in life to find someone you genuinely like, instead of  simply falling in love with the idea of someone. While my current situation scares me, I know how lucky I am to have found my person. So maybe, soon enough, I will muster up the courage to risk the friendship by telling them how I feel. Valentine’s Day is a bittersweet holiday for many, but it can definitely  be a gentle reminder as to  how important it is to keep your heart open, and that each of us deserves to love someone and be loved in return. 

WORDS: Anonymous