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It is rare in this modern cinematic utopia, where an increasing number of new and exciting voices are being channelled the lens of a camera, for a film to come along that is so utterly without thought or merit. A film that leaves one gasping for air when, after at least ninety minutes of bone-melting, monotonous boredom, one discovers that the film has in fact only been playing for seventeen minutes. It is almost a feat in itself for a film so thoroughly lacking in charm, structure or personality of any kind to exist in a medium which is now so cleanly split between carefully formulated roller coasters and the passionate work of visionaries. It is almost noteworthy in and of itself for a film that falls into no obvious category to make it past the eagle-eyed executives at Netflix, whose manifesto to all new employees reads “we seek excellence.” Almost.
The Old Guard (Gina Prince-Bythewood, 2020), which is based on a graphic novel by Greg Rucka, follows four immortal mercenaries led by a laconic heroine named Andy (Charlize Theron), who supposedly use their gifts to influence the evolving world order for the better. However, the film never takes the time to showcase these noble actions, preferring to spend its two hour runtime depicting them committing countless acts of murder on the endless waves of poor, unsuspecting military operatives thrown at them by a shady corporation looking to test their abilities. In fact, these four freedom fighters spend the entirety of the film looking out for only themselves, hiding away in abandoned buildings and wallowing their way through the index of a beginner’s philosophy textbook.
The film’s ‘plot’ (for want of basically any other word) concerns the discovery of a fifth immortal, Nile (KiKi Layne), a marine who is introduced to us playing with a child, only to abandon all traces of human decency upon joining up with the violent, self-obsessed gang of ‘heroes’ who insist that she immediately fake her death and throw her lot in with them. Within hours, Nile is well on her way to being the most aggressive murderer of them all. Huzzah!
As if the shadow of futility looming over proceedings wasn’t enough, the action itself is shockingly amateurish. The geography of each encounter is nonsensical, never once giving the viewer even a hint as to where each character is in relation to one another, or even how many opponents they are facing. Even the hand-to-hand combat and gunplay is exceptionally weightless, as each new opponent features for a maximum of five seconds before being slaughtered like a lamb. Never mind immersion and visceral impact; I would have settled for coherence.
This plotless, brutish massacre would be somewhat forgivable if the performances were of some substance. After all, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (Brad Bird, 2011) has no plot whatsoever beyond the promise that there are nuclear access codes somewhere on the planet, yet the performances of Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg elevate it to greatness all the same. Charlize Theron makes no such effort here, nor does Chiwetel Ejiofor as the film’s antagonist, Copley (whose entire motivation, incidentally, is that his wife died of disease several years ago and he has inexplicably decided that he now wants to do something about it). It is painfully obvious that Theron and Ejiofor, two of the greatest actors working today, took one look at the dialogue they were being asked to enunciate, realised that it was the sort of dialogue that was written for a speech bubble in a comic book, never intended to be spoken aloud, and mutually decided that The Old Guard wasn’t exactly a fast-track to Oscars season. The film was always going to live or die based on their performances, and they are as bored as I have ever seen them.
Believe it or not, I always try to look for the strengths when I watch a new film for the first time, whether it be big or small, sloppy or precise, but to my immense frustration I had no such luck digging through the confused, vapid rough of The Old Guard for the slightest glimmer of a diamond. I am reluctant to blame any one person for how the film has ultimately transpired; this is not the first time that a big studio has reduced the touch of promising talent to a garbled mess, nor will it be the last. All I can say for certain is that something went very, very wrong in this production and the result is so barren as to not even deserve the time of your morbid curiosity. Watch Eurovision (David Dobkin, 2020) instead.
The Old Guard is available to avoid on Netflix.
