The Madonna – Whore complex is a theory we might accidentally be thinking of without realising it –   even if we have never heard of it before. The Madonna – Whore complex refers to how some men or women can only see a woman as being either a complete saint or a debased prostitute. Through this lens, it seems women have no in between. 

It has been said that ‘where such men love they have no desire, and where they desire, they cannot love’.  To me this sounds sexist and disrespectful on the part of everyone. Are we not capable of desiring someone in a respectable way? That would seem to be the only reason that you cannot desire someone you love – if the way in which you are desiring them is so disrespectful that you could not do that to someone you genuinely loved. 

It’s at this point that some people may pose a ‘not all men’ argument. However, this is not a constructive view as if you look at some of the ways that this has affected women, it is clear that there could be a more productive approach. Women have internalised so much;  we are taught from day one that we must be ‘good’ girls – but not so good that we then become ‘prudes’. We should look sexy, but only when it’s appropriate, and never to the wrong people. We should simply ignore the old men who try and hit on us and we should then be very grateful to the young men who come over and ‘save us’.   It’s these same young men who will then progress to get mad at us when we decline their offers of a drink. 

If we say yes too quickly, we are easy and if we say no we are frigid. It can be hard to figure out who and how to be under the purview of the male gaze. We should stop, and not be either only ‘good’ or only ‘bad’.  We should do and say whatever we want. Women are being controlled by these good or bad standards that are being expected of them.

Any woman I know does not fit into one of these categories of a ‘Madonna’ or a ‘Whore’. These categories of women should not exist in the first place. We should not be taught that our sexuality is our greatest power and then be shamed when we choose how and when we want to use it. 

In the wise words of Amalie Have, a Danish activist and Instagram educator, “I wanna suck your dick on the first date while wearing a turtleneck while educating you on why men are trash while you scream out the names of our future twins as you cum”.

Personally, I think she puts it perfectly. We are not either good or bad. But we are most definitely not good or bad for liking certain things, for doing certain things. We can be kind and sexy, we can be caring and still spank you in the bedroom if that’s what you’re into. We can stand up for what we believe in and fight our corners without being called crazy and told to calm down, I’ll calm down when the sentence ‘stop being such a girl’ isn’t used in the context of telling someone to toughen up. We girls are tough. Yet somehow it’s  ‘man up’ and ‘stop being such a girl’ instead of ‘woman up’ and ‘stop being such a boy’.

I don’t know if the Madonna – Whore complex is something that is still as present today, but I know when I learned about it I had to re-evaluate. I was reminded of all the times I didn’t wear exactly what I wanted because I thought some people would think I looked too slutty, or all the things I didn’t say because I would come across as being too much of a ‘crazy feminist’. I thought of all the times I had adhered to the good girl category because of how society teaches us that no one wants a bad girl for too long. I was reminded of when I was far too polite in times that I thought it necessary to be ‘good’. I thought of how I liked turtle-necks but I also like garters. I thought of the one time I went for an interview and had garters on underneath a turtle-neck dress and the whole time I was there I was terrified the person interviewing me would see them and not give me the job. Now I think, what would seeing me in garters say about me as a person as opposed to normal tights. It would literally be an extra few inches of tights. And that would be a reason to not give me a job? 

I don’t know the answers to any of these things, I’m still trying to match my turtlenecks to my garters.  I think what we can take from this is that nothing is either good or bad – but thinking makes it so. Be masculine and feminine and good and bad and both and neither and be unapologetic about it all. 

I’m not saying that’s easy, because even as I type these words I am already wondering how many people will think this language is too vulgar for a lady, I should probably take out the part about sucking dick shouldn’t I? People might judge me for that.

Or do I sound like what people perceive as a ‘crazy feminist’ when I talk about the notion of good and bad girls?  Should I give out to myself for not being feminist enough because I am doubting myself? Or should I instead leave out personal anecdotes about garters – does this make me unprofessional? What if a future employer sees it? You get it. 

I’ve stared at this piece for too long though, trying to make it perfect. Trying to make it good. When in reality it’ll be good and bad. Exactly like all of us Madonna-Whores.