This article is co-authored by Alex O’Sullivan and Ursula Dale, who have written about their experiences of non-deliberate and deliberate exploitation within a relationship with a power dynamic.
Power dynamics in relationships can be difficult to spot. Sometimes when a person enters a relationship, there’s seldom evidence of such a dynamic until something goes wrong. An unhealthy power imbalance can exist for reasons such as age, experience or financial situation and, while power instability in relationships isn’t always unethical or non-consensual, it can leave a person feeling naive, confused and mistrustful.
Going out with someone a few years older than you isn’t wrong. Gaps in age, experience or position between consenting adults are fine, but sometimes power dynamics are created and, when exploited, can seriously harm the people involved.
Alex O’Sullivan:
‘I didn’t realise that I was in a relationship with a power imbalance until I was out of it. The person in question was older than me and had a lot more experience emotionally and sexually. When the relationship began, the imbalance of power, and his authority, was cemented by these things. I don’t believe that he necessarily exploited this for personal gain, but he was definitely aware that it existed and didn’t seem to have a problem with it. That being said, neither did I at the time. Now that I’m a few months out of that situation, I think if I went back with the experience and knowledge that I now have, I wouldn’t have entertained the relationship in the first place. I felt at times that I wanted to impress him and gain his approval simply because he seemed to be on a level above mine. I desperately wanted to be in a place where I felt that he viewed me as an equal, but the imbalance of power meant I never actually was. I don’t think that he created these conditions on purpose, but they were created and did affect me personally. I felt I let myself down by how much I altered my core beliefs for this person. Looking back, I should never have been put in a position where I felt that this was the only way I could be validated by him.’
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Ursula Dale:
‘It’s not uncommon for young people, especially those at the start of a crucial life stage like university, to become vulnerable to exploitation. Completing a degree, moving into a postgraduate position, or even a further career, offers tangible life experience and those who have undergone such development are often cognisant of their own position. If people in this position choose, with an awareness of their own power, to enter into a relationship (casual or otherwise) with any person who is considerably younger than them, without acceptable reflection on their own authority, then they become complicit in this power imbalance. Not all relationships between younger men and women (or those of any gender orientation) are representative of this; I recognise my personal bias. It is important to acknowledge that many people will treat those younger than them, who are likely more emotionally and financially vulnerable, with the respect of equals and peers. My own experience, unfortunately, has been informed by a negative exposure to the dynamic of dating someone older who held greater social and sexual experiences without such consideration.
The boundaries of my relationship with someone older were confusing from the beginning. We were initially clear with wanting something casual – I was just out of my first ever relationship. As we continued to date, he established a desire for emotional intimacy and the appropriate rituals which accompany romantic – not casual – attachments. The holding of authority fell insidiously onto his side. Desiring emotional intimacy, but not wanting commitment, the person I was seeing would frequently express how they thought they were hurting me, and expressed an awareness of my wanting a boyfriend. Reflecting back now, I am frustrated with my lack of awareness, and his clear insight into how I felt, and how my naivety could be used to his benefit. Frequently, he would leave after we dated or were sexually intimate, claiming to prefer the company of himself and his own bed. Recounting my experiences undoubtedly makes me feel confused and hurt by my own lack of awareness; in equal measure, however, I am angry that someone with a clear recognition of their position continued to use their authority for a personal emotion benefit, and an obvious ego boost, without consideration for destructive emotional impact on the other party. This person was older, had far greater experience than me and consistently spoke of how they’d strung women along in the past or had abruptly ended relationships over text. The consistent misuse of their position, with a visible understanding of my vulnerability, meant the person I was seeing was well experienced and equipped with the tools for visibly predatory behaviour. Women are often blamed for not spotting the warning signs in relationships which go wrong, and held to higher degree of moral accountability than those who take advantage of them. This is representative of a wider culture of applying false blame. This is a culture in which men’s immorality is brushed off as a symptom of lad culture, and where conscious manipulation is blamed on the naivety of young people (especially women) in general, as opposed to the deliberate predation of the perpetrator. When operating within a power dynamic your position and your autonomy, is not the same as in a stable and balanced partnership. Men are seldom unaware of the power of their own position, especially when it comes to women.’
