Content warning: references mental health issues and disordered eating. 

Being young and beautiful takes precision that you must never mention. Have you ever wondered how to attract the great love of your life, be a creative scholar, all while remaining ethereal and gorgeous? For all those who wish to be carelessly, thoughtlessly beautiful (but in an interesting, unconventional way) these Sally-Rooney-inspired tips are for you. 

• Try too much red wine on an empty stomach. The nausea the next day is an added bonus.
• Smoke ten cigarettes for your nerves— this too can double as an appetite suppressant. You will look edgy while doing it. The stubby little cigarettes only serve to emphasise how slender and delicate your smooth yet nail-bitten fingers are. (The nail biting represents your undiscussed anxiety).
• Remain constantly high on your melancholic desperation and raging desire.
• Choose to fall in love: the kind where you can’t eat.
• Bask in summer air and light (it makes glorious shadows upon your body) but avoid making an Instagram post, as it ruins your aloof image.
• Commit to intense BDSM-aligned sex workouts. If you aren’t crying post coitally, critically consider if you tried hard enough to destroy yourself in the process.  
• Once you are preparing for Schols, permit yourself one fistful of plain pasta a day to nourish yourself. Your palms should be naturally slight and spectral anyway.
• Act beside a non-threatening ‘fat friend’ who showcases how tolerant you are of all body types.Their body image will not be made part of a story. 
• If you’re ravenous and seeing stars, you may share a cheese board with your beloved after cycling manically and swimming in the Western European countryside.
• Occasionally have one piece of fruit, but only in homage to Frank O’ Hara’s ‘Lunchtime Poems’.
• Eat ice cream when weather appropriate. More calories are burned if one is eating said ice cream ironically and seductively in the presence of a man.
• Cultivate a mysterious, debilitating depression, but in a manner that makes one sexy. It should not inconvenience others, remaining a non-issue in the bigger picture of your life. This tip has the added benefit of depressing both your appetite and will to live.
• Bulimia and other sadder eating disorders are a symptom of trying too hard and are unlikely to attract a Connell into your life. Should your neuroticism ever be named or mentioned, it would be harder to romanticise.
• Only eat if your male love interest is cooking for you. Food, like most things, is unimportant unless provided to you by a man.
• Erasmus edition: eat one lone croissant a day. You shouldn’t even care about this as you have no other desire than self-abnegation. 
• Consider how plants get by living off solely air and sun. It is actually very anti-capitalist of you to consume as little as possible in a consumerist society. This rhetoric extends to carbs. 
• Go vegetarian. You don’t need to love the animals, just the optics. 

 

Male Edition

But what if your social capital doesn’t depend on you being waif-like and fragile? What if you need to play the part of the strong yet sensitive man? No need to worry! We have the perfect, male-modified version of the Sally Rooney Diet, just for you.

• Never have a serious interest in sports, but have a six-pack and a probable unmentioned exercise addiction. It’s just not sensitive for you to be spotted in the gym. 
• Perform pull-ups for a taut neck and shoulders (to emphasise that sexy gold chain).
• Stay in peak condition, as you never know what moment you may have to step in and fight your love interest’s abusers.
• Have no money for food. This helps to maintain your physique. Best not to let on to others that you’re starving, they wouldn’t get it.
• Frantically turn the pages of Dostoyevsky novels for more dexterous, flexible fingers. This will enhance your chances of getting laid at the arts block and will promote good fingering technique.
• Only eat the meat, two veg and potatoes that your Mammy cooks for you when you go home at the weekend. You either cannot cook for yourself, or are too depressed to do so. This is fine though. You may shamefully accept the food provided by your rich friends in exchange for them using you as the token working class/country lad.      
• Feed off the classism of your richer private school college peers. This will make you hungry to be smarter than them and provides fodder for doing exceptional academic work in college.
• Become emaciated following a short illness. Said illness will be treated as infinitely more important than any ailment of your female love interest.
• Pick at a dish with a name you can’t pronounce, at a pretentious restaurant you can’t afford, and eat none of it. The restaurant offends your Marxist sensibilities. Never mention those political ideals again.
• Did you know that laughing for 10 minutes can burn up to 40 calories? It’s also good for the abs. Keep this in mind as you repeatedly fake laugh at the insensitive jokes of your peers.
• Get a quick pre-pint workout in by fighting off a mugger. This interaction won’t build your character in any way, but will certainly build your muscles. The female protagonist also thinks you look incredibly sexy with blood on your face.
• Attempt to participate in male bonding rituals such as sports, workouts, and drinking. However, you ultimately can’t, since you are too preoccupied with more pressing concerns such as the fragility of women, and foreign philosophers.
• Sometimes you worry that spending time on your physique instead of communicating with others is an example of toxic masculinity. But you’re wrong! It is fact a feminist act to have the kind of body that women desire/fantasise about.