The Romantic Comedy industry is sustained by the idea of there being ‘One’: the true love who perfectly completes you. Without this central idea, many romantic films – both comedy and drama – lose their stakes. Why would anyone root for a groom to leave his fiancee for a wedding planner he recently met if they weren’t the one? Why else would we root for a beautiful teenager to fall in love with her beastly kidnapper? Many romantic films pass off dubious and even unlikeable pairings with this notion that no matter the circumstances, the one is the one.

Now, please do not take this to mean I am one of those people with a blanket hatred of romcoms who won’t watch anything with a pink film poster. I am exactly the opposite. I will defend the merits of Bridget Jones’s Diary (Sharon Maguire, 2001), Clueless (Amy Heckerling, 1995) and When Harry met Sally (Rob Reiner, 1989) to anyone who has the misfortune to criticise romcoms in front of me. I just think that there’s no point in pretending that romantic films haven’t influenced our ideas of relationships. A particularly infuriating aspect of this cultural influence is the prevalence of films treating first loves like they are the One. The concept of the One itself can leave viewers with an unrealistic view of relationships. The concept produces ideas of completeness without work and communication, ideas that meeting the one will be a life-altering meet-cute which can and should lead us to abandon fundamentally solid relationships that do not conform to Hollywood levels of romance. The idea of the One can also lead us to stay in unhealthy relationships that have periodic moments of intense romance. When combined with the context of first love, the concept of there being an almost cosmically-ordained One for each of us can reach another height of problematic.

People are increasingly unlikely to marry or have a long-term partnership with their first romantic partner. Of course, there are people who do find healthy long-lasting relationships and marriages with their first love and a healthy relationship is a healthy relationship no matter if it is only your first. My issue isn’t with first love stories in general, or these being the foundation for a romcom. Instead, what I find problematic is that there are some unhealthy patterns that appear time and time again within these films. The most common of these tropes can essentially be summed up as a career woman being unhappy until she reunites with her first love. This complaint might be dismissed as a description merely of every contrived Hallmark holiday romance. However, it is also a theme in more standard well-known romcoms. Such examples are the beloved 13 Going on 30 (Gary Winick, 2004), or the middling Reese Witherspoon vehicle Sweet Home Alabama (Andy Tennant, 2002).

13 Going on 30 is a whimsical film about a teenager trapped in her future self’s body (Jennifer Garner) reconnecting with her estranged childhood best friend (Mark Ruffalo). The relationship between the leads is genuinely heartwarming but also pushes the idea that gaining career success comes at odds with true happiness. When geeky 13-year-old Jenna (Christa B. Allen) wishes to be 30 to escape teenage awkwardness, she wakes up in the body of a future self that has fulfilled all of her wildest dreams. Jenna is working at her favourite teen fashion magazine and has a huge glamorous apartment in New York. But feeling increasingly uneasy in this fast-forward, she reconnects with her best friend Matty only to realise that her life isn’t as good as it seems. When Jenna is rejected by future Matty because of how she treated him, she wishes to go back to the moment of time travel when she restarts her life to be with her best friend and true love. The film suggests that being with Matty is the only way for Jenna to find true joy. While Mark Ruffalo is an appealing love interest for sure, going back in time so as not to have to deal with rejection from your first love due to the consequences of your actions isn’t exactly healthy behaviour.

The central premise of Sweet Home Alabama is that a career woman is only happy once she reconnects with childhood sweetheart. This premise rends a mediocre film even less impressive than it might have been. Fashion designer Melanie (Reese Witherspoon) gets engaged to the son of the Mayor of New York (Patrick Dempsey) and must go back to Alabama to convince her former childhood sweetheart/estranged husband Jake (Josh Lucas) to divorce her. Despite arguing with him in most scenes, Melanie comes to realise that her estranged husband is perfect for her after all. Even though they were probably estranged for a reason, Jake is the One and therefore all is forgiven. 

13 Going on 30 and Sweet Home Alabama suggest that true fulfilment only comes from romantic relationships. This message is just not reflective of authentic life experience. Fulfillment is different for each and every one of us and we are unlikely to achieve it by experiencing success in just one area. Films like 13 Going on 30 and Sweet Home Alabama portray ambition as selfishness. This ambition takes away from a true happiness which can only be reclaimed once a childhood sweetheart helps the afflicted individual to return to a pre-success version of themselves. It is worth pointing out that the first-love premise can be done well without happiness and career ambition being depicted as mutually exclusive. Always Be My Maybe (Nahnatchka Khan, 2019) stars Ali Wong and Randall Park as childhood best friends and one-time lovers who romantically reconnect when Ali Wong’s celebrity chef character Sasha moves back home to open a new restaurant. One of the best films to come out of Netflix’s rom-com renaissance, Sasha is portrayed as being romantically unfulfilled until she reconnects with Marcus (Randall Park), but rather than ending the story there, Always Be My Maybe explores the difficulty of balancing demanding careers and romance. Sasha rightfully sees her career as an important part of her fulfilment and part of the conflict arises from her refusing to accept Marcus’s belief that their relationship should be prioritised over her ambition. By continuing past where other romcoms have ended, this film promotes a far healthier view of relationships. The female lead does not need to run away from the life she has created independently from her childhood sweetheart. Instead, both leads need to work out how to best be part of each other’s lives.

Any long-term relationship has to adapt with changing careers, changing interests and changing ambitions. Compromise and communication from both partners are essential. In reality, any first loves that become long-term relationships are only able to survive because of flexibility and patience displayed by both partners as they grow. By presenting ambition as the dragon the heroine must slay to be taken back by her first love, Hollywood diminishes the work that couples must equally commit to. And worst of all, it makes for boring cinema.

 

13 Going on 30 and Always Be My Maybe are available to stream on Netflix. Sweet Home Alabama is available to stream on Amazon Prime Video.