Photo of Seán Hewitt via TCD Alumni.
Seán Hewitt gives a raw and unflinching account of queer experience in this beautifully crafted Gothic memoir. He recounts his experience growing up in the English suburb of Warrington near Liverpool and details his time in secondary school when he was closeted and eager to assert his heterosexuality to conform to his peers. The timeline of events switches between this period, his time at university spent exploring his early sexual encounters whilst continuing his battle to fit in, and the summer he spends in Columbia after graduating from the university, where he meets his boyfriend ‘Elias’.
The main focus of his memoir following this is the years he spends living in Sweden with Elias whilst he grapples with severe depression. Hewitt portrays mental illness frankly but with care, focusing not only on the effect of the illness on the person directly suffering from it but also on the people around him. He acknowledges how easy it is to ignore or overlook the signs of depression due to a lack of knowledge or experience. Hewitt does not hold back on his depiction of the harrowing reality of dealing with a mentally ill boyfriend. He details the daily journeys he took to the hospital to visit Elias and relates the state of perpetual and crippling terror he was in, knowing that at any moment, Elias could choose to give into the darkness.
I would recommend treading lightly with this book as it deals first-hand with the anguish that accompanies caring for someone afflicted with mental illness. Hewitt so expertly details his own feelings of agony and helplessness that it was easy for me, as the reader, to feel affected by his experience at times. However, it is an extremely important book, not only for bringing to light the difficulties of grappling with one’s sexuality and struggle for self-realisation but also for opening up the discussion of mental health, particularly that of queer men.
Of course, Seán Hewitt is first and foremost a poet (his poetry collection Tongues of Fire was published in 2020), with the writing of this memoir following suit. He often turns to the poetry of Gerard Manley Hopkins and Swedish poet Karin Boye, weaving it expertly throughout the narrative to create captivating prose which pulls you in from the very first sentence. He has an acute attention to detail for everything he perceives, from the chapel he describes at the beginning of the book to the snowy forests of Sweden. He captures each memory brilliantly with mesmerising and vivid images. Throughout the memoir as a whole, Hewitt recounts events candidly, refusing to shy away from gory details to allow for a refreshingly intimate reading experience.
