“People take different roads seeking fulfilment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.’”- H. Jackson Brown Jr
Perhaps at the age of 21 I should be worried about the complete non-existence of my love life. I’ve never dated anyone, I’ve never even kissed anyone. While this may seem weird to many people, to me it feels perfectly normal. At this point in my life I don’t really want a romantic relationship, and honestly wouldn’t know what to do with a boyfriend if I had one. Feed it and take it for walks?
Not being in a relationship allows me to devote more time to my own personal development. By not rushing into something I don’t feel ready for, I am giving myself more time to figure out who I am as an individual and what is important to me. I can slowly define my personal ideals on my own terms, without having to deal with the inevitable compromise associated with relationships. Now don’t get me wrong, the ability to make these kinds of concessions is important. I just think that the ability to compromise maybe isn’t so important when you don’t know yourself well enough to understand what you are compromising. I am of the opinion that knowing oneself is an integral part of being in a healthy relationship, and, as of yet, I don’t think I know myself well enough to be able to say to someone: “Here I am, this is what I want, are you willing to accept me as I am?”
A second advantage of taking my time before engaging in any kind of romantic relationship is that I can spend more time with my friends. I am a terribly introverted individual, so much so that I have to have daily designated “floop time” where I retreat from the trials of socialising to the confines of my heavily-blanketed bed. As such, keeping friendships alive in a meaningful way can be hard. I also can often find it difficult to reach out to people over social media or texting simply because I find that it requires much more self-motivation than talking to someone face-to-face. Being single lets me put all the energy that I would put into having a boyfriend into forming strong, long-lasting bonds with my friends. I don’t necessarily see every single one of my friends that often, as spread out across the globe as we are. However, I know that by taking the time to text my friends, by regularly meeting up with them on group video calls, by taking that minuscule bit of social energy that I have and investing it in asking about their well-being, I am slowly but surely establishing a network of solid and dependable friendships that will endure the test of time.
For all the benefits of being single, society still often views the absence of any kind of romantic relationship in a person’s life as a negative thing. I was lucky enough to grow up in a household where my parents showed unconditional support and acceptance toward my relationship choices (or lack thereof), and where none of my siblings or friends were massively invested in the dating scene. Because of how I grew up I wasn’t really aware of the oddity of my perpetual singleness until I hit college age. Many of my new college friends had significant others and I had flatmates hooking up with people left and right. I was more than a little discomfited by this kind of uninhibited behaviour. Truthfully, their adventures were quite tame, especially when compared to the ways in which the media and TV portray the typical college experience. To me, however, it was quite the stark reminder of just how removed I was from the modern dating scene. Being so isolated from the social norm was worrying, not only because I feared how others would perceive me, but also because the sinister suspicion that there must have been something wrong with me took root in the back of my mind.
Ironically, it was the very fact of being single that eventually let me come to terms with not being in a relationship. Remaining single has allowed me to grow as an independent individual and become more comfortable in myself. I now place more importance on myself and my goals than worrying about adapting my relationship status to appease whoever would try to impose their own social norms upon me. I try not to confine myself to what others expect of me, but rather freely chase the things that make me happy in life. My relationship choices don’t necessarily make sense to everyone. One of my close friends, whom I love dearly, is a modern-day ‘Emma,’ in that she takes great delight in trying to set up all – and I mean all – of her single friends on dates. Considering that I live with her, this can be quite terrifying at times. She is happiest when in a relationship, and, while she largely respects my decision to be romantically uninvested, doesn’t always see why people would prefer to be single. Much of society is the same. We need to realise that there is nothing wrong with being single, that the all-pervasive stigma of romantic incompletion is something that we should have shattered many years ago. I adamantly believe that as long as a person is happy their relationship status shouldn’t matter.
I am happy. I know that in time, when I am ready, I may fall in love, or I may not. My ultimate goal in life will always be personal fulfilment. Whether or not that fulfilment will someday involve being in a relationship, I don’t know, and I’m not going to worry about it.
