Words from our Sex Editor Alice:
You are reading the fourth instalment of our ‘Perspectives’ series. Please enjoy the work of another of our extremely talented writers.
No, I am not crazy. Well maybe only a little, but after not seeing my boyfriend for months because of the dreaded C***d, a month of being next to each other sounded like bliss at that moment. I packed my bags as fast as I could and off I went. We’ve been on holidays together before, however it was just the two of us and not my partner’s entire family! In my naïve mind, I thought that it would be similar. As you might expect, I got a rude awakening.
There are some trivial things you need to know when holidaying with your partner’s family. For example, You probably shouldn’t show an uncomfortable amount of affection when you have drunk one glass too many, and make sure that you show your gratitude at every point during the holiday because essentially you are getting a free one. Oh, and let’s not forget about being quiet and locking the doors during “fun times.” God forbid you get walked in on doing the “Butter Churner.” These are easy things to bear in mind but the intricacies are much more elusive to navigate.
In my opinion, a key factor to consider is the family’s hierarchical structure. The parents are at the top of the power structure, which should be considered at all times. Thankfully, I love them both enough to down a whole magnum bottle of rosé with them on the patio. I would definitely avoid a holiday with your partner’s family if you are not willing to do that. Then there are the siblings, they have less power than the parents. Although they hold less power, you cannot forget that they could potentially influence the parents or your significant other. I wouldn’t say that I would get a cup of coffee with them alone, but at the same time they don’t give me dagger eyes across the table and actively hate me. Each of these groups alone is easy to deal with separately or together for short periods of time, however, a month of living with them is where you get yourself into murky waters.
The real trouble for me began with the dynamic between the children and parents. I was essentially intruding on a family who is like any other; they fight, they have their own inside jokes, they do things in a different way. I really struggled with their fighting. My family only fights very rarely and usually we come to a mutual agreement. However, I quickly found out that my boyfriend’s family all have very strong and dominating personalities. This causes them to have arguments more often, and being in the middle of them was extremely uncomfortable at first. I felt like I just wanted to melt into the ground. The hard part was not being able to speak up for my boyfriend because in my head I thought that I had no right to. I didn’t want to cause extra arguments and, again, I felt the burden of the free holiday looming over me. At the time I thought I should just sit there and look pretty. It made me feel like a foreign body. I was essentially an alien trying to adapt to a different planet and it was going horribly wrong.
This feeling like I was an alien took a strain on my relationship. In the first two weeks, we fought a lot more than we usually do. I wanted to leave so badly and just go back home and cry. I thought I made a mistake. I did not belong to this family and feeling like an outsider made me want to run away and hide. At that point, I should’ve talked to my boyfriend about how I felt but for some reason I didn’t. Instead I took out all of my frustrations on him by picking fights. As a person who hates conflict, it was hard to see myself as the one starting all of our arguments.
After having a huge fight one evening, I thought my relationship was crumbling. I just cried. I felt like I had ruined something good by going on this holiday. My boyfriend finally realised that there was something really wrong and asked me what was happening. I told him everything about how I felt like an foreign object because I couldn’t express myself. He reassured me that everyone in the family actually loves me and treats me like I am a part of his family because they are not afraid to speak their mind around me. He made it clear that I could say whatever I wanted and there was no need to just sit there without engaging in a discussion. That night we chatted until 3 a.m.
The next day my boyfriend booked a restaurant and we went – alone. He thought that it would be good for us to get away and mend what was beginning to crack. We had a fabulous evening with plenty of wine and food but most importantly we reconnected again by just being alone with each other. We both apologised to each other for the things that we said and talked about our future together. It was what we needed.
After our night alone, my whole view changed. I really enjoyed the rest of the holiday. My boyfriend and I would go on walks in the evening and have lengthy conversations about fungi and other random topics. I started to hang out with the siblings more often. I still wouldn’t say that I am best friends with the siblings, but we have definitely grown closer. Most importantly I began to communicate with everybody more. I expressed how I felt about everything. I was not scared anymore of what my partner’s family would think. Being vulnerable and honest is what really matters when developing relationships even if it’s your partner’s family.
If you asked me today if I would go on a family holiday with my partner again, I would say yes. It was stressful at times but in many ways we sorted out things that would creep up in the future. My relationship flourished during the second half of the holiday, and continues to flourish afterwards. I love my boyfriend more and more each day which I didn’t think could be possible. There’s an intimacy that we both allowed to develop by communicating in an honest and non-judgemental way. This has made our little arguments extremely easy to solve, and it no longer feels like I need to cry or scream to prove my point. I would say that anyone who is in a relationship, and gets an offer to go on holiday with their partner’s family should go for it! As long as you are in a committed loving relationship and you like the family there’s no reason not to go. However, make sure to communicate how you feel instead of bottling it all up and expecting your partner to read your mind. Remember that you are not dating your partner’s family but your partner.
