The following is the first instalment of our second ‘Perspectives’ series. ‘Perspectives’ as a concept was born out of a desire to provide thought-provoking and relatable snapshots into students’ experiences navigating relationships, self-discovery, and other affairs of the heart. Our extremely talented writers continue to respond to the series and express themselves in ways that go above and beyond what we ever could have initially imagined. Please enjoy…
Alice, Sex and Relationships Editor
Karla and Shannon, Deputy Sex and Relationships Editors
I have always allowed another person, usually a lover, to be responsible for my happiness. Upon reflection it appears that this occurred due to low self esteem and allowing myself to base my self worth on other people’s opinions – past me thought being single was some kind of character flaw. It was only this summer at the grand old age of 22 that I came to understand the truth of the infamous line: “You have to love yourself before you can love somebody else.”
Over lockdown, I somehow learnt how to be comfortable with being alone. This seems quite fitting due to the isolated nature of the past year. I finally addressed the screaming voice inside my head; the voice that told me to always look for validation from another. I learned how to give that love, support and comfort to myself. I was obsessed with the idea of love, without really understanding what the word “love” meant. I’ve stopped waiting for somebody to tell me I’m wonderful and colourful and deserving of good things, because I know that I can simply tell myself.
Lockdown was intense, to say the least, for most of us. I know I ended up with some harsh realisations about myself that I didn’t intend on – realisations that pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me look closely at myself and my values. This was where I began to find self love so important. Being alone for months on end, unable to see loved ones; truly the only person you have is yourself. When I say self love, I no longer think of loving myself, but an acceptance that my less impressive sides do not mean I’m an awful person who doesn’t deserve love. Modern society has us convinced that this validation must come from external sources whether in the form of a romantic partner, one night stand, or girl on Instagram. The growing want for external validation can be closely linked to social media – we constantly want to base our appearance and personality off what seems appealing to others. Due to the feel-good dopamine rush we get off pleasing others, this external validation becomes comparable to Pavlov’s dog being conditioned; we do something – it releases dopamine and feels great – we get validation – we keep coming back to it. While spending so much time isolated, I started to question why this validation needed to be external in the first place: did I think that I wasn’t good enough, or did I not value myself enough to give the approval and compliments I so desired to myself?
It’s a normal human feeling to want to be loved. Sometimes we want it so desperately that we settle for less than we deserve. For me this became a vicious cycle which always resulted in my self-confidence crumbling. To offer you a warning which I wish I’d heeded myself: those people who react to your Instagram stories and text you whenever they’re lonely are not the people who will give you that wholesome type of love that you so deserve.
As sad as this may sound, the only person guaranteed to have your back at the end of the day is you, yourself. Even though I am single right now, I feel more loved than I have in years. My heart is full and I feel ten times more confident within myself knowing that I’m content I’m alone – in fact, I’m extremely happy. I now have the love that I deserve. After giving that love to myself, I will now recognise it if another person one day pops into my life and offers it to me. Everyone is worthy of the purest, unconditional love, and that includes you too. Don’t settle for anything less. As Chidera Eggerue said in her eye opening book What A Time To Be Alone: “stop waiting for someone to give you that unconditional fairytale love and give it to yourself.” Now, go have a read, and start giving yourself the love that you deserve.
