Illustration by Ella Sloane.
Originally published in print March 2021.
If someone were to ask you how you felt about yourself, what would your response be? Would you say that you like yourself? Dislike yourself? Find yourself annoying?
Want to be somebody else? Respond with awkward silence? Would you ever be able to honestly say that you love yourself? That you think you are an amazing person, who deserves everything that this life has to offer?
I really hope that you can answer this question with a firm “yes”, or if not with 100% conviction, I hope you can at least say that you are on the path to feeling this way.
What’s ironic about all this self-love talk is that, in theory, it should be the easiest love to come by – it comes from within, and from the one person in the world that you know will always have your best interest at heart (or should) – yet in today’s society, we seem to be much more willing to give our love, care and affection to anyone but ourselves. Often, it is the leftover scraps we reserve for ourselves, that is if there is even anything left to give.
By no means am I encouraging people to be self-conceited or apathetic; there is a substantial difference between loving yourself as a human being, and being so self-obsessed that the feelings of others subsist as mere afterthoughts, or worse, go on entirely disregarded. The resulting confusion of trying to distinguish between these concepts can be extremely problematic and damaging, when, in reality, these emotions are worlds apart. And, while I truly acknowledge how challenging it can be to start the process of loving ourselves, I don’t wish to imply that it should take the form of just a little bit of affection here and there. Self-love should not be equated or confused with spur of the moment self-care days, when things get overwhelming.
What I’m talking about is establishing a meaningful relationship with yourself; a relationship that you see as being just as important, if not more, as any other relationship in your life – a bond that you see as inextricably connected to your own happiness and well-being, the damage and ill-treatment of which should not be considered in terms of indifference. Of course, this is easier said than done – it is common knowledge that we are quicker to engage in acts of self-deprecation, often as the brunt of a joke, than acts of self-love.
The nagging question is why? Why is it so hard to treat ourselves as we would a friend, or loved one? We are so eager to show them that we understand whatever they are going through, and will be there for them rain, hail, or shine. We will cheer for them through their successes, and reassure them through their losses. However, when it is ourselves who are in need of that friendly ear, or those comforting words, they are nowhere to be found.
Why is it the hardest thing in the word to just cut ourselves some slack, and be our own support system?
Undoubtedly, there are numerous reasons why this may be the case, some of which are decidedly universal issues, while others can me a lot more personal, and will differ person to person. Regardless of the “why” behind it, social media experiences a perpetual field day either way, as it exploits these insecurities and sense of fragility for every penny. And unfortunately, it would appear that there is no easy solution to be found, rather it is just another issue in a whole host of others that we simply have to accept for what it is.
Society may not want you to know it, but trust me when I say that loving yourself is an option. It certainly isn’t easy, and oftentimes it won’t come naturally to you, but the important thing to note is that it is a choice – a choice that you have to make everyday to make it happen. Choose to value yourself as you would someone you love, choose to forgive yourself when you make a mistake, choose to see the qualities in yourself that make others love you, and choose to be the person you would want to be there for your best friend when they’re sad – and be that person for yourself. In order to make it work, I think you need to understand the simple fact that there is nobody in this world that you will spend more time with than yourself, and like anyone else, you need to ensure that you are someone that you want to be around.
If someone were to genuinely ask me, you know what, yeah, I can honestly say that I do love myself, and I’m not exactly sure when I decided to feel that way. Maybe it is the result of my Nana telling me to say it to myself in the mirror as a little girl, or maybe it is just something I learned along the way. But that doesn’t mean that it’s a constant feeling. There are times when I get frustrated with myself, and maybe even dislike myself. But those emotions are fleeting. Self-love is what’s left when those emotions fade, and they always will. And yes, there are times when that love can probably make me a little selfish – but that too is transient. Truth be told, I don’t think there is any set of steps to follow to find self-love. I remember being asked by a friend before, and I was completely baffled by the question because I didn’t think it was something others noticed. But maybe it is a palpable quality that shines right through your character. Whatever way you want to put it, I think you just have to find something, one thing, that you do like about yourself, and work from there.
