In his 1995 book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman delved into how each person demonstrates love, and how they in turn would like to receive it. The book was a phenomenal success, with many psychologists giving it scientific validity as a way to understand ourselves and our partners a little better. With Valentine’s Day coming up and all the festivities and atrocities that go with it, I thought it would be a good time to share Chapman’s love languages. Each person tends to have a primary and secondary love language. It is also quite rare that both partners would speak the same one – isn’t life so exciting already setting barriers to love from the start?

Without further ado, here are the five languages of love (in no particular order other than it’s my order):

Physical touch

Fun fact: This is my primary love language. Maybe it’s yours too. Do you like holding hands in public? Or a quick kiss when you pass each other in the kitchen? Does a hug from your other half just make your entire world bright again?

Physical touch and chemistry is a large part of any relationship. Those who speak in this language need to feel wanted through touch, spontaneous kisses and a brush of hands when walking together. This makes them feel connected to their partner, at one with them. If your partner does not speak in this language, it can make you feel like they are not attracted to you, something which probably isn’t the case.

Words of affirmation

Sometimes, all you need is reassurance that your significant other is still into you. Words of affirmation can be one of the most basic ways to show this. A simple “I love you,” in an unexpected moment can make you all flittery inside. It’s verbal affirmation that they still want you. Everyone needs to feel appreciated and valued, and for some people, it is hard to understand just how much they mean to someone unless it is explicitly said.

Wife: You still like me, don’t you?

Husband: *sighs* Yes. IT’S BEEN TWENTY YEARS. I still like you.

Quality time

This love language is all about spending, you guessed it, quality time with your partner. This time is not just sitting on the couch watching a Sundance documentary with one eye on your phone and the other on the screen. No, this language is often about receiving your partner’s undivided attention. No distractions, no scrolling, no thinking: just you and them, looking into each other’s eyes and reconnecting. Those who speak this love language value their time and feel rejuvenated after spending a few hours alone with their partner.

Receiving gifts

Receiving a small gift, especially out of the blue, can show you that your partner was thinking about you during the day – which makes you feel loved. This is not to be seen as being materialistic. Some people simply illustrate their love by giving, even if the monetary value of the gift is tiny.

Visible and tangible symbols of love can have a profound effect if this is your language. It may be a tiny teddy bear she got you from Berlin on a weekend trip, or a chocolate bar because he knows you’re on your period. These little gifts are also souvenirs of your relationship. Although, if you break up you may feel the need to throw them out. But we won’t go there.

Acts of service

Have you noticed your partner cleans up the dishes when you’re tired? Or cooks you dinner in the evening? While this can appear as merely helpful, this is how they express their love for you, by doing tasks to make your life easier. However, maybe it bothers you that they never say “I love you,” because acts of service is their language but words of affirmation is yours.

Effective communication is key in any relationship.  If there is a discrepancy in languages which goes unnoticed, this can make both partners feel underappreciated. But if you know where each of you have differences, you can understand why you might argue about something or why you see the world a different way. Discovering your love language (and your partner’s), can help you unravel an entirely new way of loving each other — think of it as learning a few words from their language!

The official link to Chapman’s love language quiz: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/