The Internal Monologue of a Great British Bake Off Viewer, Episode 1: Cakes

Like everyone else in the English speaking world, I have been waiting patiently for the return of one very special show. And it’s back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s time for another season of The Great British Bake Off! As a friend once said, it is now time that we forget about the trials and tribulations of the world, xenophobia and economic collapse, and relax into this perfect slice of escapism. The worst thing that can happen while watching the Great British Bake Off is for a tart to have a soggy bottom.

Task 1: Cakes

And it’s off. The task is to make a drizzle cake, which is no laughing matter. For something so memmeh-friendly, there’s a lot of technicality. I’m biting my nails just thinking about it. For starters, a drizzle is different from icing. Sue tells us that even a slightly underbaked cake will disintegrate under one. Over-bake it and it will be too tough; the drizzle won’t seep at all! The cake won’t be moist and oh my goodness… I’m stressing out.

While figuring out this first task we’re also meeting the contestants. It’s so jumbled and frantic I can’t really figure out who’s who except Val. Val is a legend. A retired primary school headmaster, she’s sweeter than sugar. She’s making her mam’s cake while casually mentioning her life as a fitness fanatic and Ed Sheeran super-fan. Bonus points for her home-video clip in which she does a little Zumba dance to Sheeran’s ‘Sing’ in her slippers, while baking (of course). After Val’s huge personality the only other person I notice is Benjamina. She has a sort of humble charisma and seems naturally loveable. I can tell she is a good person for tea and chats. She would listen to your love life and not judge. I want to be Benjamina’s friend.

The phrase “it looks like it does at home” is thrown about a lot. As are the words “MOIST” and “MOISTURE”. If you are uncomfortable with these words, look away now.

We zone in on an equally lovely lady called Jane, however Jane is stressing me out. She’s had a problem, it is not exactly clear what, but she’s staying calm. She’s starting over. She’s still mixing while everyone else is baking. Quick pan to Tom, a project manager (notions) who is putting loads of gin in his cake in a hope to get Mary and Paul absolutely locked and walk away with the title while no one’s looking.

Val is proving herself as the kooky favourite. While everyone is solemnly staring at the oven, she’s listening to her cakes to see if they’re ready. With a lovely smile, Val says her cake’s sing to her. Right now they’re not singing ‘I’m ready I’m ready’. Benjamina is being a total pro and taking it in her stride, while Jane’s cake is still all wobbly in the oven. Everyone else is starting to think about the drizzle.

Val is doing her aerobic exercise for the day by cooling down her cake. Apparently someone named Andrew is from Northern Ireland. This causes this border hopping viewer to freak out. Is he from Derry? Does he know my mam? He’ll definitely know one of the cousins.

It’s time for judges Mary and Paul to come in and check out the finished product. The most important thing about this moment is that Jane’s wobbly cake has come out of the oven and been adequately drizzled – phew.

They love Selasi’s drizzle, and say that Benjamina’s cake was fully baked with a sponge that feels good. However Tom’s plan goes south, as Mary and Paul state they are grateful that his gin drizzle didn’t make it all the way through the sponge or they ‘wouldn’t live to tell the tale’. A woman called Louise has made an orange cake in the shape of an orange – who knows why. Mary is calling Val’s cake messy. Paul can’t find Val’s drizzle. Guys, if you get rid of Val, I will cry. Jane is smiling and I am so grateful. They’re all very happy. Paul says ‘beautiful’ and that he loves a good poppy seed. He continues his commentary by stating there’s a great penetration of the syrup. Not an inviting use of the word penetration in my opinion, but I can’t argue with the pros.

 

The Technical Challenge: Jaffa Cakes

The first gingham-clad secret is revealed; JAFFA CAKES. Everyone loves jaffa cakes. I’m unable to concentrate on what Mary is saying about the task as I want to just go to Spar and buy some jaffa cakes. I wonder if I can afford McVities.

jaffa cake
The humble Jaffa Cake

Mary starts the first drama of the season, JaffaGate, as she admonishes Paul for dipping his Jaffa Cake in his tea – “we don’t do that in the South dear.”

I’ve come to know Selasi as ‘Super-Calm-Selasi’. While the others are freaking out about the ambiguity of the recipe, Selasi is just steaming ahead. A woman named Kate bows to the pressure stating “Now even I’m starting to question what a Jaffa Cake looks like”. Benjamina is having an existential crisis over choosing the size of her jelly. She watches everyone else then makes a decision.

It’s presentation time and a lot of these jaffa cakes look pretty darn awful on the gingham altar. I learn that you can have ‘dull’ chocolate, which sounds utterly ridiculous to this chocolate-obsessed foodie, and that Paul has been working on his word-play as he changes praise to criticism for Andrew’s “uniform-ly bad” cakes.

Selasi wins the round and marks himself as an early favourite. I want to eat his jaffa cakes. Please. Can  have them? Please?

 

Showstopper challenge: Genoise

Genu… genu-what? How does everyone just casually know what this is?!!!

Is it a certain type of sponge? I thought you could only have one sponge? Is it a cake?! Furious googling unmasks this mystery; the genoise sponge cake. Paul Hollywood has a recipe online. Apparently the sponge is originally Italian, named after the city of Genoa, and naturally leavened with air bubbles to give a light, fluffy texture. Oh my, Italian cake on the Great British Bake Off. Britain First are not going to be happy.

 

Light, fluffy, airy and delicious: The Genoise Sponge
Light, fluffy, airy and delicious: The Genoise Sponge

Selasi is unabashedly chilled out and is therefore taking this competition in his stride. On the other hand, the ambitious Candice has just frisbee’d a sponge at the window in front of Paul and Mary. Not out the window; just at the window.

A large amount of the contestants have messed up and it feels like everyone is starting again. People are walking around opening freezers, only to sigh and walk away. Benjamina is crying, but Sue is giving her the perfect amount of tough love mixed with genuine care to get her going again.

I see lots of shiny melted chocolate being poured over perfect sponges. The “mirror glaze” is going down. I wonder if I could find a Genoise on deliveroo.

Mary and Paul arrive and it’s time to judge. One by one the contestants come up and no one is having a great time. Michael, an Economics and Politics student at Durham, has his flavours criticised as ‘grassy’. Kate’s mirror glaze is letting her down. In fairness, it is a fairly saturated shade of blue and as Mary points out, not very enticing. But we can always rely on the cool, calm guy we call Selasi. He’s a boss. He’s gonna kill it. Wait no, he hasn’t. His fruit glaze is not shiny enough. He took a risk, trying to be different with his fruit glaze. I don’t know about you, but I think it looks delicious. Val’s cake is insulted again, but she tells Paul she will be seeing him later in the sassiest of manners. Benjamina on the other hand, beat the odds. As the silence deadens I’m worried she’s going to cry but Paul is smiling. He says it’s delicious. I feel an affinity with Candice – we have a similar taste in lipstick. Yet her genoise has let her down. Her style and flair are wonderful, but worth nothing without fulfilling the basics. Andrew from the North has redeemed himself and Val and Benjamina are so happy for him. Andrew’s just grateful to be out of danger with the upcoming results.

 

The Results

Jane, a lady who got off to a bad start in the show, has redeemed herself and can now call herself Week 1’s star baker! I personally would have gone for Selasi due to his consistency and calm nature but I think he’ll have many Star Baker accolades in store. I’ll let Jane have this one.

We have to say goodbye to…

Lee?! I hardly knew you! Lee?! Which one were you? I’ll never know now because he’s gone! Paul says not to worry however as he can walk with his head held high. For 2016, he is one of 12 best amateur bakers in the country.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *