“Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” – Oscar Wilde
College is a time for learning, and that extends beyond the classroom. For many of us, this is our chance to explore who we are beyond our families and the communities we’ve grown up with our whole lives. Whether we’ve moved away or have just found ourselves with a new crowd, it’s a time to figure out things that we might not have previously gotten a chance to. It’s a time to look into new ideas, to have new relationships and explore our sexuality. For some of us, that means realising we are somewhere in the alphabet soup of the LGBTQIA+ community, whether in terms of a queer sexuality or gender identity, and some of us might come to realise that we’re —gasp!— kinky.
BDSM is a compound acronym that includes Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. It’s not all whips and chains, leather and latex, at its core. What it ultimately comes down to is the willing exchange of power between two enthusiastically consenting individuals, and that’s what makes it so hot. Consent classes are a big thing right now, which is hugely important in any form of sexual contact. But in no other situation (besides, like, surgery) is enthusiastic consent so absolutely crucial. Without open, honest communication and negotiation of what’s going to happen between you and your partner, there is a whole world of things that could go wrong in a kinky scenario that could lead to real damage—emotional and physical—for one or both partners.
Coded in a lot of media as abusive or aberrant, it can be kind of scary to realise that maybe you’re into this stuff. There’s a lot of confusing information out there in stories and porn, but I’m here to reassure you: you’re not “fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia,” just because you maybe want to try a little spanking or bondage. Hell, you’re not fucked up if you’re into pony/pet play, enemas or age play, as long as you follow the most important principle of kink: SSC—Safe, Sane and Consensual.
You need to be smart about what you’re doing at all times, and you need to be completely honest about what you want, and if something is working for you or not. If you’re with someone who you can’t be 1000% real with, you are not with someone who is a good partner (for kink, or anything else). If you’re with someone who will ignore your boundaries or not abide by your safe word (an agreed-upon signal that means stop immediately), you are not with someone who is a good partner. It is not wrong, unfair or demanding of you to set boundaries (in kink or elsewhere) and to expect them to be respected: it is responsible and shows that you have self-respect.
So, vocab lesson!
Bondage & Discipline covers handcuffs, Mr. Grey’s silk ties and all forms of restraint — physical or mental. Discipline can run the gamut from “You’ve been very naughty and need to be spanked,” to playful rules enforced by a dominant during a BDSM encounter (called ‘a scene’) such as no slouching, eye contact restrictions and all that.
Dominance & Submission overlaps with discipline a bit, but this is where your power exchange is rooted. It’s the surrender of control from one partner to the other within a negotiated context. Some people keep it in the bedroom, but there are lifestylers for whom this power-play informs their entire relationship.
Sadism & Masochism centres around pain and the enjoyment thereof. The sadist provides, the masochist experiences. Within an erotic context, some pain really can heighten pleasureable sensations and some of us really get off on that.
If you’re not of the kinky sort, you might be reading this and wondering what the hell people get out of all of this. It varies: no relationship is identical, whether kinky or vanilla (non-kinky) and we all meet different needs in our interactions with each other. BDSM and the absolute open communication it requires can increase the intimacy in a relationship. Power and control, from either side, can be fantastic stress relief or catharsis—there have been enormously stressful times in my life where I’ve not been able to relax or cry until after a sound spanking, for example. And honestly? There’s so much play involved, and fun, and kink can be whatever you and your partner need it to be.
Some resources for further reading
http://clarissethorn.com/bdsm-resources/