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Like Roger Ebert in his review of The Human Centipede, I find myself unable to award E4’s Stage School a star rating. It’s not just because such a system is “unsuited” to this show. This show is so goddam awful that it should be buried beneath the cremated remains of such E4 “classics” as Desperate Scousewives and Party House, never to see light again.

E4 has marketed this “glitzy” new reality show, which follows the students and teachers at a performing arts school in London, as “The Only Way is Essex meets Glee”. Such low standards and, still, I advise you not to hold your breath. Generation Z-ers are shown to be bereft of any talent whatsoever, even when lipsyncing. We are blessed with two musical numbers per episode where singers aptly illustrate that auto-tune can’t fix everyone. Dancing is reduced to awkwardly walking around while clicking your fingers. Between these moments, viewers can be enthralled by the personal lives of the young and beautiful. Or, as they like to call each other, the “X-Factor rejects” and “nobody bitches”. Stage School succeeds in completely distorting arts training beyond recognition.

I can offer one positive. It has become a guilty pleasure of mine. I’ve watched nine episodes and await the next twenty-one. I recommend watching when you require an even more mindless fix than Made In Chelsea or Geordie Shore. It’s also the only show on TV that reminds me how good my acting skills are, although they only come into effect at times of need (like when mam buys me the wrong socks for Christmas or when I told my first boyfriend I loved him that one time).

The only way to describe this show is in the words of Ebert himself: “Is this show good? Is it bad? Does it matter? It is what it is and occupies a world where the [talentless] stars don’t shine.”