Everyone has a past they do not enjoy revisiting. Life turns out differently from how you expected. People, unsurprisingly, change when they are drunk.

I have had three one-night stands. At the time, I did not expect any of them to become a one night stand. Don’t get me wrong: I did not want a relationship, but part of me did hope for something more than what I got. Call me naive, but I thought someone might want more than a few hours to play with me.  It turns out I was the girl who guys saw as a one-night-only deal. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I was too flirtatious. Maybe I wasn’t memorable.

I lost my virginity when I was 18, in Magaluf, to a guy who didn’t even accept my friend request on Facebook. Clearly, I was a one-night stand to Boy #1. On another night out in Maga, he ignored me. I was pissed. So I found another boy who was hot (according to my 18-year-old self) and went back to his room. Yes, two boys in three days. Don’t slut-shame me: I was the most confident I had ever been, thinking I could get any boy to sleep with me, and the most insecure in another way, thinking the boys wanted the parts, not the heart.

One sixth-year holiday and two one-night stands later, I felt emotionally maimed. No matter what anyone tells you, giving yourself to someone who will use and abuse you is not a good idea. Truthfully, I gave myself to those guys because I didn’t think anyone would ever find me special enough to want to sleep with me for me.

The third one-night stand was better, but not by much. We were going to a big party that night and had met at a mutual friend’s pre-drinks. We talked the entire time, got to the party, continued to talk a bit, but mainly danced and kissed. He told me I was going back to his. I admired his determination. A boy who seemed to like me at last, or drunk me at least. So we went back to his and did the deed. The following morning, we had breakfast and I discovered I had popped my cherry: it does not always happen the first time, friends. I fled rather rapidly. (Side note: we texted for awhile after, so technically not a one-night stand. He never replied to my last message. A couple of months later, he texted me out of the blue while volunteering in Africa.  I was flattered, I must say.)

I am incredibly happy with who I am now. But after the stands, I felt like part of me had been taken in those nights, a slice of my soul that I will never be able to recover. In the moment, you might meet a guy and think this is it. But the majority of the time, 18-year-old boys on their sixth-year holiday are not looking for a relationship. And 19-year-old boys are not really either, but might accept the friend request. It clearly did affect me, because when I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time and left his house the following morning, part of me wondered if that was the last I would see of him. Because for the other three, it was.  A year later, I can assure myself that this one will always make me breakfast in the morning and will make me feel protected and loved, not fragile and jagged. I really wish he was Boy #1.

Enjoy the sex, but choose the boys who will not leave you feeling like a used condom, good for nothing except the bin. Find a boy who makes you orgasm 20 times in one session (he’s very proud), who makes you smile just thinking of him and who can make you feel like some things really are magic. You must value yourself more. Do not equate a guy sleeping with you to your own self worth. You are so much more than that.