One for the Girls

I can remember only three things from sex-ed in secondary school. Forcefully etched into my brain by a highly pixelated PowerPoint presentation are graphic images of STDs. Then the question “do you want to be a used wedding dress?” Finally, hours of Pam Stenzel (if you want to know what the folk who believe Donald’s “gonna make America great again” look and sound like, Google that name). My secondary school failed us miserably.

Many secondary schools in Ireland are subsidised to fail their students year in, year out. The sad truth is that misinformation about sex is an issue that persists outside of school. Like many areas of discourse throughout the centuries, discussion of sex, in psychology the media etc. too often neglects a very important perspective: that of women.

The question above was put to my fifth year religion class. The question attempts to elicit a sense of guilt,shame and culpability. Women taking the blame in sex is something of a recurring theme. In the States during the late 1950s, as people began to worry about the breakdown of the family unit, a good number of doctors named ‘frigid’ women the culprits. It was the woman’s ‘inability’, or ‘failure’ to become fully aroused or orgasm that was ruining marriages. Women who didn’t orgasm were often referred to psychiatrists in an attempt to resolve this ‘failure’ of theirs. Obviously, no one should ever be made to feel ashamed for failing to orgasm. It’s also highly likely that in many cases, it was the husband’s technique in the bedroom, rather than his wife’s, that was lacking. Fifty years later this remains an issue.

There are too many women who don’t really enjoy sex. Worse, there are women who experience a lot of pain during sex and yet feel pressured to endure it. Having to pull a Sally Albright in the diner is just a reality for some people. It shouldn’t be. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw, a woman who spoke most eloquently on the topic, “it takes 237 muscles to fake an orgasm, but only 15 to say: it’s called a clitoris and it’s right here.”

The clitoris is an amazing little piece of biological machinery. Amazing. I read an article during the summer about the physiology of the clitoris, became obsessed, and have since continued to do extensive research. I couldn’t really believe I’d never known about its importance before. It’s the most pleasure-sensitive part of the female body. That is its sole purpose: pleasure. It contains 8000 nerve endings. That’s twice the number found in the glans of a penis. The science of the clitoris is finally emerging in medical articles. My primary discovery so far is its importance. For most of us, there’s no orgasm without sufficient clitoral stimulation. Penetration alone just doesn’t cut it.

Even though most  governments wouldn’t be too crazy about teaching the art of orgasm in school, there needs to be more discussion surrounding it. Not only for a woman’s enjoyment but also to ensure women are having pain free sex. If you’re not fully aroused, it will hurt. The most irritating piece of misinformation that’s still being propagated is the notion that your first few times ‘are meant to hurt’. This is where the bullshit mythology surrounding the hymen comes out to play. Shrouded in a kind of fantastical mystery, this tiny cat flap is endowed with far more significance than it deserves. I refer to it as a cat flap because that’s all it is. The hymen does NOT need to break. You don’t need to bleed. This is not a rite of passage. It probably will hurt the first time, but not because it’s a fundamental part of a biological process. It may hurt because you’re nervous and not fully relaxed, which means things are not really opening up down there. The other huge factor is a lack of proper foreplay, and things not being properly warmed up.

You learn the most basic logistics in school. Penis enters vagina. If it does so unprotected, you’ll have a baby on your hands. Thanks to the supreme reign of the male gaze, there’s very little else in the media that indicates that there’s more to it. Fortunately there are advocates and activists out there now talking about the needs of the ladies among us. My favourites are Eileen Kelly and Karley Sciortino. Eileen Kelly is only 21. Having been appalled by the sex-ed on offer in her school in the States, she started a blog about sex for the young’uns in the modern day. Karley Sciortino is a sex columnist with Vogue. Her column, “Breathless”, discusses EVERYTHING. There’s no omission of the nittier and grittier details. Because despite the constant depiction of woman as pretty objects to be used for pleasure, we’re looking for a good time too. It is about freaking time our experience and our pleasure got a little limelight. Enter the magical clitoris.

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