“The deal with sexual fantasy is that it’s pretend. And when a fantasy is acted out, it’s done so between and among consenting adults.” — Cheryl Strayed

Shame. Judgement. Fear. There’s nothing that kills a sexy thought or encounter stone-dead like that ugly little cocktail. Shame over what you want, judgement of yourself for it (or your lover(s) for wanting to share it with you), fear that you’re somehow gross or aberrant for wanting it. It’s a gut-wrenching cycle, so this month I want to offer you a hand through that crap.

Sex is where the primal stuff comes out, internalised or otherwise. There are entire psych careers dedicated to figuring out the hows and the whys, but don’t let yourself get hung up on it. What gets you off is personal and it’s not something that other people should judge you for. There can be great emotional pressure from both ourselves and others about what’s acceptable to want, how and how often, but that’s all just more social control (rather than the fun kind of control!).

Not every ‘dirty’ thought is something you might want to act on (either yet or at all), but that’s where the role of fantasy can come in. Your imagination – that powerful, private little theatre between your ears – is the most potent aphrodisiac. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your thoughts and as long as there’s consent between you and your partner(s), there’s nothing wrong with what you do together.

Sexuality is fluid and constantly evolving and with the right partner(s), you can step outside yourself and explore taboo ideas, if you choose – even the really murky, politically-charged stuff. Within kinky circles, sexual encounters are often referred to as ‘play’, or if they’re more elaborate, ‘scenes’. This idea evokes the theatrical, the make-believe and it’s pretty freaking liberating if you let it be.

Further reading:
“Dear Sugar, Icky Thoughts Turn Me On”
“How Do I Explore Kink Without Feeling Ashamed?”