How Not to Get Your Novel Published

So, you wrote a novel on the bus, the DART, in bedrooms at parties and on coasters in Coppers; instead of writing your dissertation, rather than earning rent at a part-time job, and at the expense of several relationships that were not nearly as sensual as the one you were crafting between your protagonist and his love interest. It was a long and laborious process, but now it is wholly and utterly complete. You have emailed the finished product to your best friend, your boyfriend, your mother, the bar man – and everyone agrees: it is brilliant, a masterpiece, as intellectually challenging as James Joyce, as emotionally-charged as Charles Dickens, as frivolously fun as Marian Keyes. But what next? In order to get this baby published, you are going to want to start sending it out to literary agents, reams of them, because rejection is everywhere, everywhere, everywhere.

For the average agent/editor, the post man (and Gmail) delivers never ending truckloads of query letters, in a ritual not entirely unlike the courtroom scene from Miracle on 34th Street.

Here is a quick guide on how to not get any bites on your novel, and a few remedying solutions.

DON’T: Use a wide variety of wacky fonts and colours in the heading of your query letter, or shrink the letters to the size of pinpricks, or italicize everything — under the assumption that, à la Danielewski’s House of Leaves, the harder you work the reader, the more they will appreciate the text. Should you wave away this advice and capture the poor reader’s eye with rainbow Comic Sans, for the love of all that is blessed and holy, please do not try to seize them hook, line and sinker by opening with a hypothetical question, imploring your reader, WHY…GRANDMA…WHY…? Or whetting their appetite with an intriguing sci-fi twist — WHAT IF YOUR DOG…WAS ACTUALLY GOD? Gimmicks and any kind of funny business are tired and unprofessional, and despite the creative aspect, this is a professional industry with people who know their stuff and have in all likelihood seen the pun you try to crack about their name many times before.

DO: Check over a guide to writing a proper query letter first. A starting point might be a reference book such as Jeff Herman’s Guide to Book Publishers, Editors, and Literary Agents. The title of your book should be typed in capital letters and you should include genre and word count. A standard query letter might begin with the hook, followed by a brief synopsis that explains exactly where this book will lead the reader, and conclude with your writing credentials. While a small typo will not exactly make-or-break your letter, it does work against you. Check the submission guidelines and follow them precisely. A polished cover letter demonstrates your level of commitment to actually getting published, and it hopefully suggests the same amount of effort has been put forth in crafting the manuscript itself.

DON’T: Refer to agents plainly as Sir/Madame. Or take it a step further by visibly CC’ing every single agent to whom you are sending your manuscript, explaining that you are very busy and do not have time to send it to each personally but are sure they will all love this book. Do not try to make yourself stand out by insulting the agent/editor, or the deceased founder of the agency/house, or their current clientele, for some inexplicable reason. Even if your erotic romance novel is truly brilliant, if the agent/editor in question has primarily spoken about their exclusive interest in non-fiction military history, your chances are probably fairly slim.

DO: Research the agencies and publishers to whom you are sending your work. Oftentimes, a variety of different agents and editors are working under the same umbrella, but with wildly varying interests. By addressing your query to a specific person and explaining why you think they would personally be interested in your work based on their current clientele and interviews they may have done about what they are looking for, you stand a much better chance of getting a closer look. In sending your query to agents who have specifically expressed interest in your genre and themes, you are demonstrating the kind of basic respect for their work and time which every author would surely want reciprocated.

Overall, if you wrote a novel — fair play to you, and best of luck. Because the number one way not to get your novel published is surely to never write anything at all.

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