There is one fact about casual sex which you would be wise to remember; no matter how little or how well you know the person, once they have been inside you, their story will always remain tethered to yours. The realisation that I cannot cut imaginary ties with certain people has caused some minor disappointment in my life.
I did not get a love story. I got a forgettable, drunken, regretful night.
My first time was with a boy from a neighbouring school at home, on our sixth year holiday in Magaluf. What a cliché, I know. My life is rarely such a standardised cut. I met him on a night out, we kissed and decided to take it back to the hotel. I mean, what else was going to happen?
All I could think about was losing a fiver in his room that I had wanted for chips later on.
We went to his room and timidly stripped each other. The delicacy of two strangers, high on alcohol and hormones, sifted through the air. Then I must have felt something vaginally poke me. There was probably some thrusting and heavy, sweaty breathing from both parties. Then he was finished with me. (No, he did not care whether I was finished or not). We put our clothes back on and – wait for it – went back to the nightclub. Of course, there were whispers rippling through the streets, several drunken glances in my direction, and a quiet disbelief simmering amongst my friends. All I could think about was losing a fiver in his room that I had wanted for chips later on.
The following day, he ignored my friend request. The following night, he did not even say hello. “Oh well”, I figured. “His loss”.
Even though it was my decision too, but I could not help but feel like a part of me was stolen. A small, innocent section of my heart which I would never retrieve. A pivotal moment in my life which I can only recall with a shudder and a blurred image.
Listen to the others, the people who you scoff at for being so “wise”. Wait.
Wait until you are unequivocally ready. Wait until you know someone’s soul. Wait until they understand yours. Wait until you care about them. Wait until you are in love. I hoped one day I would be with someone and all these things would be true. But a lingering voice told me that might not happen to me. This, as I have since discovered, is untrue.
Someone will arrive in your life and you will feel like you have known them forever. Someone will captivate you with a single smile. Someone will stay in the morning. Someone will mean so much to you that you will feel sick thinking about anyone else you have let into that part of yourself.
Someone will love you for everything you are, not just for what is between your legs. I promise.
