Steven (Stephen? Baking Borg 9000?)

A three-time Star Baker at the time of writing, Steven has incurred the suspicion of the Bake Off fandom for simply being too good at everything. Undoubtedly one of the top bakers in the tent, he’s been able to reliably produce everything from the perfect margherita pizza to cakes worthy of a Hollywood Handshake from judge Paul (readers should be aware that the value of the Handshake has depreciated somewhat in recent years). He seems to have most of the practical aspects of baking down, so most of his slip-ups have been on flavour. Rumours that Steven is simply a ruddier-faced version of 2015 contestant Ian are tempting but unlikely, as there’s no way Ian could be refurbished and not still talk about organic things he grows in his super-posh garden. Steven is to be approached with caution and possibly a sieve as a shield in case he decides to flip his hands and reveal a range of meringue-based weaponry.

Kate:

The last remaining Scouser in the competition, Kate has made it to the quarter-finals on the strength of her ability to pull-off last-minute decent-tasting showstoppers and the hypnotising power of her eyeliner. After topping the technical in week one, she’s had some seriously disastrous follow-ups, with chocolate pudding flops and a sublime edit in which the camera cut from another baker saying, “They’re supposed to have little crispy bits on top,” to a shot of Kate’s scorched pasteis de nata. She’s had some good showings, including one Star Baker, but it is getting a little out of her depth in the final leg and she will need a miracle if she’s to make it to the final.

Sophie:

Sophie may wear the skin of a nice, thirty-something white mumsy type, but it is merely a cloak. She has meandered through week by week, blissfully picking off her unsuspecting enemies as they spun in stressful circles under the white canopy of doom. Even I kept forgetting she was even there. Her true form is that of an ex-army officer and a trainee stuntwoman, so she could probably knock all the other contestants out with a flick of her elbow if she wanted to. Having recently claimed her first Star Baker and produced pitch-perfect lobster pastries in Italian week, it seems likely that she’ll reach the semi-finals, where she will erupt from her current shape to eat Paul and return Noel to the wild. She would definitely send her kid to the school bake sale with a six-tiered croquembouche instead of the first packet of buns she saw at Tesco.

Liam:

Liam! Oh, Liam. This nineteen-year-old from Hackney has won the hearts of millions with his cheeky, youthful attitude. He has channelled his nan in his baking, won the guardianship of Sandi and Noel, and finally achieved Star Baker after being robbed (ROBBED!) of it in week six. He is a university student who has shown a capacity to compete against much more experienced bakers. It is very difficult to explain how one student recognises another at a glance, but there is something Liam’s vibe that denotes the call of our people. The cheerful swing of his stride, the pre-dissertation naiveté in the set of his shoulders, the ‘oh well, we’re all screwed anyway’ delight of his smile. The look behind his eyes alone expresses a scarring history of deadlines, the aftermath of exams, the memory of a thousand nights out, the awareness of his own mortality. His instinct after a particularly tricky bake was to sit on the floor behind his station and not watch his bake being judged. Same, Liam.

Stacey:

Another baker who has had some disastrous bakes – including weeks where she baked greaseproof paper into her showstopper and served food essentially raw – nobody’s really sure what Stacey is still doing here, to be honest. She is the only contestant left who has never won Star Baker, and her inconsistent offerings have seen her coming close to being eliminated more than once. She’s the other nice, bland mumsy type left in competition, but of course, as the rules of Bake Off dictate, There Can Only Be One. Expect to see a showdown between Stacey and Sophie for that coveted spot of Mumsy Semi-Finalist Whose Name Begins With S.

Bonus round:

Yan

Yan, who came so close to being a quarter-finalist! There is always one scientifically-minded baker in the tent, and this year it was Yan, though she swapped previous finalist Andrew’s propensity for measurement and accuracy for equations (including one for the perfect pastry which didn’t exactly go to plan) and riding her scooter to work. There is a tradition of family shouting outs in Bake Off, and Yan frequently referenced her wife as well as making a cake dedicated to her serviceman dad, complete with poppy made out of gelatine. She was the kind of baker who made birthday cakes about tigers and wondered whether she was allowed to say ‘bum’ on national telly. The competition will be just a little less quirky without you, Yan.